5/6/2017 7:14:30 AM
This is so hard for me to admit but ..... I am a mess ... I screwed up and now I am paying for it. I have know for a long long time that what I was doing had/has consequences but sadly I just kept going.
I have eaten myself to the point where I can no longer walk around the block comfortably. I c
5/6/2017 7:14:16 AM
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7/29/2016 8:12:49 AM
I have wanted to sit down and type for awhile now, but to be truthful I was terrified to write this blog. I have never been scared to blog before but the last few months I have been in a dark space, I have let things .. words ... events and people change my mood and outlook on who I am and where I want to be. And honestly it scares the hell out of me. I have always been confident in my openess about my size and my struggles but I fear that the thoughts I am about to share with you are scary, scary for me to admit and say out loud. Scary to type and throw out to the universe and never take back. I have struggled for a few months now, almost a year really with some seriouse weight issues and over the last 6 months I have fixated on my brokeness and not my strengths. I have begun to believe all the negative talk I feed my self which happens on a daily bases. I have wasted moments here and there of my life that I can never get back, all because I hate who I am on the outside. Oh dont get me wrong I love who I am on the inside but lets be honest society doesnt care what we look like on the inside they only care what the scale says and thats the truth. We want to believe that people see us as the best version of oursleves but thats bullshit. All you have to do is hop on any social media sight and read all the hate and body shaming that is going on consitently, women fighting to defend their honer, their choices and for god sakes their own bodies, the body that was given to them to choose how to treat it as they see fit. And then in walks the judge and jury we call society and BAM we are too tall too fat too skinny to short. What the hell is worng with us , yes us because you may not admit it to yourself or anyone else for that matter but you judge too, heck I am 100% guilty as charged, however I would like to think that I am maturing as I approach 40 and that I am mentally reminding myself to not judge anyone because we have no idea what it took for that person to simply get out of bed today !!
Ok so here it is , the dark place I have been living in for months, I hate me , I hate who I am physically, I hate my lack of energy, self control and overal distaste for how I look. When I look in the mirror all I see is hate. I have put on more weight this past year and that is all my own doing, I took a jump and changed my look and had some regrets about how it turned out - for the record today I love my hair cut choice lol - I hate that shit I cant see my feet unles I bend over, I hate that all my clothes feel like garbage bags on and I hate that I havent felt sexy in well over 5 years.
I hate that I heavy breath and sound like a 90 year old chain smoker after walking from the car to the mall, I hate that I have let myself go and stopped having pride in my appearance , I hate that I have slowly let down the 1 person who loves me at my best and at my worst. My whole life I have feared rejection, feared never finding love and a sole mate, I can honestly say that if I have had a hard time loving who I am that surely he has too , and thats OK because I have given my poor husband no real reason to, he has NEVER once told me I look terrible NEVER, I need to be clear on that !! I hate that every day is a struggle to do the simple things in life like bend over and do up my shoes or even roll out of bed, I hate the most that I dont seem to hate any of these things enough to have done something simple and proactive to change any of them. I believe that I have aloud myself the comfort of saying I am not worth it , I believe I have sold myself on the idea that I am straight up PHAT aand I will never change. How incredibly terrible of myself to do this. How incredible selfish of me to think its not just about me, I have a wonderful husband and a fire cracker son who NEED me to love myself, shit lets be real if I could even like myself these days maybe just maybe things would be brighter and better for all of us on a day to day bases. I am by no means trying to sell you a line of bullshit that my life is terrible or unsatisfying because its not. I love my husband and my boy, all my beautiful family and friends and our new home and the life we are creating in it, so really on the surface things are good. But this deep hole I am in is slowly sucking the life and love out of my phat self and maybe its the lack of energy talking but I cant seem to muster up the gumption to change anything. Nope still killing myslef with poor food choices and lack of excersise. Its a viscious cycle really, those occassions where I try and be more active are the times I cant catch my breath from a walk around the block or shit really just carrying the bloody laundry up 5 stairs 5 freaking stairs and you would think I ran a 5 km race. Or riding my bike, I remember being a kid and I was on my bike all day every day in the summer, NOW sweet jesus pushing the pedals of a bike with all my adult phat is like trying to get someplace while riding through wet cement !!
SO hate, yep hate , thats where I am these days. Please know that I expect ZERO sympathy from anything I post on here. I was able to find comfort in blogging and I will contiune to as long as it gives me a sense of relief, I am grateful to have found this outlet that lets me throw all my personal shit in to the universe and then move forward.
I dont really have any way to end this blog other then Please people if you take anything from this entry today its that You MATTER, you may think you dont but you 100% do matter and once we can all come to terms with that statement we can all move forward in the Love yourself movement called LIFE
thank you so much for reading it means alot to me !!
6/20/2016 3:29:11 PM
Dear lord in heaven its hot out ... I hate the heat, I hate sweating, feeling hot, sweating, not sleeping and did I mention SWEATING.
I am sure I am not the only 1 out there but I know there are very few of us that exist that loath the summer heat and hunidity lol For many reasons, like those stated above I cringe at the welcome of the summer season. I truly feel that most of my detest comes from being the size that I am.
4/18/2016 3:38:02 PM
what a long winter ... comfort food and yoga pants ... hibernation and antisocilization .. eating drinking and more eating seems to be what sums up my days and nights the last few months. I should be complaining but I am not !! Like most canadians we are less active over the cold months and seem to keep the christmas indulgences coming through the early new year. Sadly this is how my cycle goes month from month year to year. Maybe you can relate and the more you hibernate the less you are movtivated.
I am so tired, tired of being sad, tired of being Phat , tired of never feeling full, tired of eating what I want when I want and tired of having NO will power or self control. I am begining to think that self control is a gene one is born with and not something you learn. Let me tell you why, I have noticed in the past few months that I can not stop myself from eating. Insert the bullshit coment now, seriously, I can not emotionally talk myself out of eating everything. Its like my brain isnt wired to do that. Like my self control button isnt there to push. Example: If we are having supper and its not quite ready I will think nothing of making a moke cesar with spicy beans and olives in it and a plate of cheese and crackers. I will have 2 drinks and finish the plate off before supper knowing full well I will be eating a meal shortly. Still I make my way to the fridge slice and dice my nibblies and pour my drink, BAM polished off and ready for supper. All the while eating a full meat potatoes salad and veggie for dinner too.
2/8/2016 1:21:40 PM
As i sit in front of this screen prepared to lay it all out there I am tired scared and too be honest a little shakey. It has been a long time since I last let you in and I am almost afraid to share whats been going on, even though I know that I have always had the greatest support from my readers it still doesnt make that feeling in the pit of my stomach called Fear & Judgment feel any less terrible.
For so many months now I have been feeling non exsistent. I get up go through the motiions of my day come home eat my feelings and go to bed reluctent to wake up and do it all over again. I have been floating through my life as so many of us do but never really living it ya know. Sure I go to work spend time with friends and family participate in my sons extra ciriculars but I dont really feel relevent in anything I do these past few months. Not to say I recognize my anxiety has been off the charts at times and my depression has settles in like a squater at times but I dont feel the good things. Now dont get me wrong I am in no way saying I dont have a loving group of family and friends around me, that I recognize but what I am saying is I cant remenber the last time there was a spark that ignited energy, excitment even anticipation. all things I feel are important to a person, those are the feelings that drive us with purpose and give us goals for the future however near or far it is.
8/4/2015 3:29:01 PM
I have no excuse but pure laziness and a little dash of denial for why I havent sat down and unleashed the troubles I am dancing with lately. Its funny isnt how one can go throught day to day life and lose track of time and then one day BAM it sort of hits you across the back of the head like a falling brick. You dont even realize the damage you have caused in daily routine but that brick , the hurling 1,000 pound brick reminds you that the damage is some cases is erreversable isnt it. I think thats whats the scariest for me is that a lot of the crap I have done to myself is sadly things I cant take back or make better. And the hardest part is going forward doing better because as a cronic suffer of depression and anxiety I will never be better, stronger healthier or kinder to myself. The very idea scares me not for the reasons you think but because at the almost age of 39 I have come to terms that I am lazy, not in the conventional way , well that too lol but in the sense that I cant fatham the energy to keep going or try harder because for me that would require work , consitency and drive and sadly I have none of that.
Wow reading this back its not very positive is it , sorry folks I went dark real fast. Let me continue with this. I am forever grateful for my family, my husband my son ... MOST days lol The life I have built for myself with my husband. Our home and of course our friends <3 I am blessed to have a great job with awesome co workers and clients ... insert head shake now ... Your telling yourself that wow this girl has a LOT to be happy about, and your right I sure do !! Thats never been my problem, my sister once or twice reminded me to value and appreciate what you have because it doesnt matter what others have !! We should be happy with what we got, and she is 100% right !!! I AM happy with what I have, but what I dont have is what keeps me up most nights, what I long to achieve is what keeps the little dark grey cloud looming over my head like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. I am not sad for the conventional things I see others have no not at all, I have learned to let go of Fancy big homes, brand new cars and multiple trips yearly, would be nice but not a top priority for me ( most of the time ) For me I envy confidence, drive, determination and will that I see in friends, family and people in the commnuity. I long for that gene inside people that keeps me going, that gets me pumped to want more for the long hall. When I see people contiuning on a positive life journey I am immediently happy for them and sad for me because I know that if I had the drive I too could be skinnier, healthier, better skin, more financially secure. I see others that have a dream and dont dump it 6 months later becaue they dont have the Energy or Drive to keep going.
I wish I knew the answer because I have to tell you its not from lack of support. My mom and husband are my #1 cheerleaders, they have screamed from the roof tops that they would walk, ride a bike swim ect with me and for what ever the reason may be I never take them up on there offers. A few weeks back I had a wonderful girls weekend with my closest BFF, we had a great time, she is salt of the earth and she can talk to me in a way that no one else can. After a long day and a few glasses of wine later she shared with me that she had sort of "given up" on herslef. I didnt underatand until she told me that she had sort of allowed herself to be OK with where she is in her life, it was like a light bulb went off for me. I said to her that YES YES I know what she means, I have become OK with my weight, the way I dress its like I stopped caring after I had my son, like I was not worthy of 30 minutes a day to make myself feel good by doing my hair and applying a little make up, that for some reason it doesnt matter about me and what I look like cause I am a wife and mom. Well holy shit that wasnt in my wedding vows, to love cherish and let thy self go to shit. BUT like 92% of the wonderful beautiful women and moms reading this you totally can relate but the difference between you and me is I lost the desire to care some where along the way. Its like my brain justifies to my heart that I am married so no need to care about my looks, I was blessed to have a child so no need to care about my looks.
Its NOT ok but it has become my warped sense of reality. I know that most people have a day or two or maybe a week where they 'give up ' you find yourself throwing on yesterdays pants cause they are handy. you grab a ball cap cause you didnt have time or energy to put conditioner in your hair. But for most people they snap out of it, not me I selfishly talk myself into things like that every day. Why I dont know, most of us are NOT lazy people, I never thought of myslef as lazy when I was a teenager or in my twenties but after my son came along I didnt seem to care. Its been almost 6 years since he came into our lives and I grateful and happy 98% of the time LMAO But sadly I gained a son and lost myself in the process.
I struggle like most people, I wont say I am alone, the way for me to express myself is to use my blog as an outlet. Oddly once I hit send on the keyboard I feel a sense of accomplishment, weird I know but it works, like free therapy LOL
I dont want to look back on my life and say I should have did this or that, I want to look back on my life and say I did what I needed to when I needed to. I am not perfect, far from it but the last time I checked we are all a little broken. Love your self in the Today and Respect yourself in the Tomorow xo
Thanks for reading and thanks for the support
3/12/2015 10:36:04 AM
Its kinda funny how a day leads to a week and a week can take you into an entire month. I said to my husband the other night that I cant remember the last time I worried about my weight and my health. Scary that a chunk of time can go by and I didnt stop to evaluate ME, funny really cause as a mom , wife, sister, daughter and friend I am constently making sure my loved ones are healthy and making healthy choices. All the while selfishly loosing sight of my health. My whole life I have worried about others, so much so that its what I do for a living, take care of others and oddly guide them to make proper choices for their health and well being. Crazy right that I can care so much about others and so little of myslef. Some may say that I consiously make that choice and others may say that as a women we are wired to help ourselves last. Whatever the case is what scares me the most when I made that simple statement to my husband I realized in the moment I have been fairly happy the past few months. As many of us do I struggle as a mom and a wife. I am forever worrying about the future and where I will be financially as well as emotionally, but not once can I recall recently that I have stopped to evaluate where I will be in 5 or even 10 years if I continue down the path of what some may call "self destruction"
1/2/2015 9:38:45 AM
WOW where has the time gone, somedays I cant believe it and somedays I wonder when the day will end !!
As I reflect on the past year as many have been doing the last few days I realize like most of you that 2014 was a real bugger. SHe was not the nicest of years to my family. Now dont get me wrong I had some really great moments, made some beautiful memories with friends and family. Enjoyed a lot of days and nights watching our son grow up a little each day. I have been lucky enough to spend the last year with a partner who loves me even though I can be difficult, who supports me in what ever I decide to throw myself into and who not once not ever in the 14 years together has EVER tried to change me !! Now that makes me pretty lucky !!
10/21/2014 3:39:30 PM
Lately I have had a hard time with things. I know I am probably not the only person who struggles emotionally with life and I know that millions of people get by everyday with help from friends family spouses co-workers ect. I too have an amazing support system, I have the kind of mother most people either dream about or read about. She is like June Cleaver but with a slight potty mouth and a twin sister thats equally awesome !! I have a sister who listens to me complain even though I know she has her own full plate most days because frankly WHO doesnt !! I have a bestie that will play my sob story like a broken record she bought in 2001 and ALWAYS has the best advice for me. I am lucky to have a partner who loves my sad side and loves my crazy roller coast riding gonna pull my hair out from the root side. So one would wonder how or why I struggle, well I believe its because, well uhm its cause .. yep no I havent got a clue. I too ask myself why I am the way I am. Why I cant seem to find a way to calm my inner storm. I would love nothing more then to never worry again. The idea of living day to day with no worries is like a fairy tale or fantasy to me, because for as long as I can remember I have worried. I use to worry about what every 11 year old girl worried about, periods, boys and being popular. Then my worries grew and developed into early adult worries like will I meet someone, will they love me am I too phat or ugly. Now that I am a mom and wife my worries are full blown anxiety. I mean full on crazy cant stop thinking about it making way way bigger then it needs to be anxiety. For example, we all know that with winter comes Flu season. Colds and stomach bugs circulate this city like the Zombie Appocolypse on AMC. Anyone who is close to me knows how down right AFRAID of the stomach flu I am. If I had to rate my anxiety on t a scale of 1-10 it would be 100 no kidding. I have no idea why or when this started by as each year approaches I find myslef on edge everytime someone updates their Facebook statue and they go into length about how it hit them and how crappy they feel. Just reading that makes my heart pound and my head spin. I suddenly wonder if I ran into them at all in the last 24 hours, I worry that their child goes to my childs school or if they are in the same sports league. I begin to worry that if I get it how will I look after my son AND be down and out at the same time. I panick at the thought of my clients getting it. Dear Lord the disaster it would cause in an already fragil environment. I then begin to get sweaty, shakey and nauseous all at the same time. My brain begins to convince the rest of my body I suddenly have the flu. All this happening withing 10 seconds of reading someone's facebook statues. I convince myself that TONIGHT is the night I will get the flu. I prep myself at bed time on the couch as our little home only has a main floor bathroom. I bring the garbage bin and a towel to bed with me. I leave a glass of water in the bathroom incase I need to rinse my mouth out. I lay down with the ceiling fan on HIGH cause in some weird realm thats gonna make it all better. Then I wait, and wait and wait til what do you know its 745 AM and my little guy is asking for breakfast. I get up go through my day and repeat all over again every single night from October til April. God help me I wish I didnt worry.
I know I must sound super unhinged and I probably am to most of you non worries out there. Trust me I feel like I am in the movie Ground Hog Day only I am not Bill Murray and its not a happy ending !! I struggle so much with anxiety. I struggle daily with making sure its hidden from everyone. I struggle to keep it together when the world throws me a curve ball, I often go to the EXTREME worst case senerio in everyday living. Thats when I breakdown and ask my husband how he is so calm, how come he never freaks out and worries. He laughs and tells me I do enough of that for the both of us LOL He also takes the time to breakdown my anxiety and put it in perspective. To really disect the problem and rationilize what it is and how to solve it or fix it or just say F%&k it !!
10/8/2014 11:16:02 AM
Ugh its that time of year again, you know the one that everyone FALLS in love with .. Crisp Autum days, warm sweaters and pumpkin spiced EVERYTHING !! I like to refer to this time of the year as my f*@king wake up call. My holy shit I have to start wearing my long pants and restricted tops. The I have to dig out my Glad Garbage bag looking winter *cough cough* coat season. I think what I love the most about this time of year is the sweet selection of .. no not apples and gourdes .. Scarfs, my soft over sized pretty hide my acne if needed infinity scarfs. Oh how I love to hide behind them this time of year !! Something else I love about this time of year and I am more then certain 100% of you reading this will agree is .. Halloween treats.. God I love the gooey, chocolaty mini bites of Heaven, mini mars bars and twix, the candy bars you can only get at halloween that other wise you have to sneek off south of the border to buy. You know like Mr GoodBar or Oreo Crunch bars. I love the sweet sugary packets of cherry blasters and wine gums. Honestly the list could go on for miles. No really miles, there is sadly very FEW halloween treats I WONT induldge in.
When I think of fall and even the dreaded Winter I think of shoes, boots, rubbers ect. I think past the fashion statement and go directly to the "crap gotta bend over and do shit up" footwear. I dread the idea of bending over and lacing up shoes or zipping up a zipper. I refuse to leave the house with footwear NOT done up, there is nothing worse then seeing an Adult wear shoes with the laces dragging on the ground or boots folded down because ther weren;t done up properly. In my opinion and if I may call myself a phat girl expert, it says nothing short of LAZY when you dont have yourself put together fully. Now for me the dread lies in the actually shoe that requires laces, for this I cringe simply because I carry the majority of my weight in my belly. For those of you that can sympathize with me you know where this is going LOL
First off my feet hate me every year for covering them up, its like they have a wrestling match with the socks because gaurenteed by noon my socks are bunched up six ways til sunday !! Let me breakdown the process of putting on running shoes for you cause I know you are dying for a visual !! Step one pick up socks and runners and go sit on couch .. YEP sit on couch, cause if I attempt to stand I will absolutly come crashing down like the Titanic .. Step two side sideways on the couch with my leg resting on the couch and my foot is THAT much closer to my hands. Step three & four place sock and shoe on foot. Step five pull tounge of shoes up straight and tighten laces. Step Six shift to the opposite side and repeat steps one through five.
Stand up wipe off any sweat, yep sweat cause sometimes I am wearing a heavy sweater or jacket. Cant put my shoes on naked cause thats just weird !! This process can take anywhere from 2-6 minutes depending on the shoe and my attire. Why my attire you ask WELL let me explain, IF on occassion I decide to look like a grown up and wear pants that have a zipper and button I automatically feel like a stuffed pig on a spit. As I am sitting down leaning over to place my socks and shoes on am leaning directly on my belly. For those of you reading that have been blessed to be pregnant imagine being permanently pregnant, it feels EXACTLY like that. Can you imagine my horror when i decide to go shopping and have to take on and off my footwear repeatedly through out the day. Ya that sucks, kinda do all my clothing shopping by November, cause truthfully I wear my birkenstocks til the first day of snow damn it !! Dont laugh you do too !! maybe for other reason but you do !!
I will say that since I have been crossfitting ( if thats a word ) I am able to bend over for longer periods of time as long as my assets are firmly planted against a poll, wall door or husband, when he is willing !! I have always admired and desired to purchase the pretty trendy boots with a million laces but ALWAYS end up buying the slip on easy mom boots. I look forward to the day that my belly has shrunk enough in size that I no longer need to plant my butt on th couch and bring my feet to my hands, I look forward to the day that I can bring my hands , and face closer to my toes lol Simple yet a struggle that many people suffer .. SO when you see someone with their shoes undone and they are CLEARLY over the age of 10, know that its pure laziness, there is ALWAYS a way to do shit up !
Thanks for letting me vent <3
Til next time
10/6/2014 8:07:00 PM
Its been a few weeks since my last entry and I wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who called texted and emailed me regaurding my last blog. Your love and support was incredibly supportive and so very appreciated. It truly amazes me how the weight of a single phone call or email can make someone change how they feel almost instantly. Which is sort of where my blog entry is headed.
As you know I have been on a journey of sorts over the past few months, I have been going to the local CrossFit gym in town and feeling stronger every day I go. I am not shy , shocking I know, about publicizing my journey. Selfishly I think to have someone or something to be held accountable to and encouragingly ( not sure thats a word ) to show those beautiful shy self concious Phat girls out there that YOU to can do this, one step at a time, day by day. I have always been someone who shys away from confrontation but the first to talk in a group of people. If you know me at all I crave the attention of strangers and the exceptance of friends, family and collegues. I am the first to blush and the loudest at telling a dirty joke. So you would think that hearing a sweet compliment or word of encouragment wouldnt hit me like a mac truck. You would think that I would except a compliement and say Thank You and that it would only build up my inner strength and drive me to push harder and be better and do more and look awesome and feel wonderful. You'd think right ?! Well think again, sadly its those beautiful text's and encouraging facebook comments under my sweaty pic that send me straight to the couch with a bag of chips Ahoy and a tub of Bryers Double Churned Vanilla Ice Cream. Weird YES ok NO. Some time ago I signed up for Weight Watchers , I counted and portion controled and really seemed to be "into" it. And then it happened, I lost a mere 10 pounds and suddenly the sweet words came and the poliet compliments were given and I some how twisted them into allowing myself to fall into old habits. I see know that back then in my warped mind I thought "Oh well if its that east, I can slack off and do it later" I actually convinced myself (quite quickly) To stop trying. I see know that I took what was CLEARLY a positive situation and turned it into the biggest excuse to Let it all Go down hill.
For years I was the "pretty faced Phat girl" .. You know the one we all knew that 1 girl who was told "oh you have such a pretty face but ... " I was never given a direct compliment without the dreaded BUT at the end. What is wrong with us, why on earth would would allow those words to come out of our mouths to someone who is CLEARLY aware they have a nice face BUT .. Was it suppose to be a compliment ot hear, like winning second prize or runner up to Miss USA ?!
As I grew up , and out lol in my adult years I still was very unaware of a genuine compliment... I was completly ok with being the girl with the pretty face, It sort of became my ulter ego. In a warped way maybe thats why I never tried harder to be skinny !! Maybe I was worried that if I lost a bunch of weight I wouldn't be anything but the "girl who dropped a ton of weight" and I wasnt - or isnt - prepared to be that girl. Oh god what am I saying that Its ok to be Phat, NO NO its not ok to be Phat, but its OK to be ME, short, heavy and with a pretty face. Its scary living a life not really knowing who you are suppose to be. I am a wife, daughter, mom , friend, co worker but I still dont know who I am suppose to be.
As I type this entry I am asking myslef if I am scared or lazy ?! Am I too scared to be someone , to be skinny healthy and happy, or am I too lazy to healthy happy and skinny. I believe in my heart that every single message, text, facebook comment, hug and smile is why I worked so hard the past few months. I whole heartedly thank each and everyone of you who told me that I was the reason they went back to the gym, or got on their treadmill or played soccer with the kids. I am so grateful that each of you took a single moment out of your day to encourage me to keep going and give me that little nudge I needed to go back to the gym the next day. If it wasnt for all that I wouldnt have started in the first place. Please dont give up on me , as sad and some what pathetic as it sounds while I write this I am asking you to keep that motivation going, I see know that in life we cant do things alone, that if we dont have a support system in place we will feel alone and no one should feel alone. In all honestly I feel alone as I am sure that you do too. We all have a day, week month or even a year where we feel alone. I am working on me and I need you to help me as I am here for you when you need me <3 If we all work together just a little bit amazing things will happen. The transformation inside and out will be astounding !!
I have blogged before about accountability, I guess in all of this I am asking to be held accountable for making a healthier, happier ME. Its a little of an oxy moron if you will. As I type this entry I realize I have led you to believe that I dont want any encouraging words while I am on this journey, I feel that maybe I set a tone that I dont appreciate all the beautiful words sent my way. That is the opposite, I have things inside of me telling me to give up, and being a person who self-sabotages I am trying really hard to tell that inner voice to PIPE down. To shut up and listen to the words people are saying.
I am not just the "Girl with the pretty face" anymore I am that girl, just like everyone else trying really hard to love myself, trying to be a better person on the inside and outside. I am that girl , like most girls struggling to accept a simple compliment and not tear it apart word by word, but simply embrace it for what it is. I have to work on being ok that I motivate someone, give them the nudge to get off the couch. I know how very vain this blog must sound, I really dont mean it to be that way !!
Thanks for the support Xo
Till next time
8/19/2014 12:17:30 PM
I want to take a moment to share a painful reality with you. Something that has happend to millions of people across the world, me included. I choose to write about my personal experience with cyber bullying. Bulling happens in all forms and to all kinds of people, and its wrong and against the law .. but somehow it still continues everyday.
For those of you that know me you are well aware that I have an active facebook account. It is a place that I go to for encouragment, happiness and the occassional vent. Recently I have been using my facebook account to share my crossfit journey, to let my friends know I am openly making an effort to be a better, healthier Meagan. I am working on loving who I am inside and out. I have talked very openly on here about my struggles with weight, body image and my life long battle with depression.
A few weeks ago I had my hair done with a new cut and a funky hair colour, I fell in love with it and I wanted everyone to see just how happy i was with it. I once heard someone say that a women is the most attractive to others when she carries herself with confidence. Last firday I was lucky enough to spend the day with my hairdresser/friend. As I was waiting for her to pick me up I pulled a Kim Kardashion and took a selfie. I posted it to all of my social media accounts with a caption someting like " Love my hair dont care who knows it I look damn good" I think I may even have hash tagged the word #Vain. For the first time in a long time I thought I looked good, my hair was pretty, my skin was reasonably clear ( big struggle for me) and I was in a fantastic mood. It came to my attention a few nights ago that someone who I felt was a good friend had taken that picture I posted on facebook , snapshot it on her cell phone and sent it via TEXT message to another young women who I thought was my friend. With that picture she made a comment it being funny that I thought I looked good. Followed up with "Oh I am bad arent I lol "
Now that may seem harmless to most of you but the reality is that text was the tip of the cruel iceberg. there were many many text message sent back and forth between these 2 women about me and what they thought was sad or pathetic facebook statuses. One of them even had the nerve to call me a bad mom, saying that my 4 year old son was a horrible child and that I was a terrible person for letting him be like that.
I came to find this information out when i asked a simple question on facebook, "how do I tellmy 4 year old the friend he was glued to all school year cant play with you because his mother has issues" Not the most mature way to state it but the story behind that bold statement is not for me to tell. It would be gossiping and frankly I dont want to be labeled a gossipier. I have a beautiful friend from out of town that told me there is venting and there is gossiping and thos 2 girls were gossiping.
I ask you this, its is 2014 .. when is it ok to put another person down, to say awful things about them behind their backs when they arent around to defend themselves, and since when do I need to defend myself from a FRIEND !!?!? After I made that facebook statues friend A took again another snap shot from her cell phone and sent it to friend B with a caption saying " you really have to see meagan's facebook statues .. How immature" And as the night progressed I recieved 2 very hurtful malicious text messages from friend B calling me a horrible envasive mom and that my son was a terrible brat. Of course I was crushed and speechless. How could someone say such awful things about my innocent son ?? How do I not take it personal ?
By the time the night was over my husband had decided enough was enough and he confronted both ladies , of course things go heated but the fact of the matter is when it came time for the truth friend B threw all the other friends involved under the bus, she sent me horrible text messages from friend A say all sorts of awful painful things. If friend B wanted to hurt me she succeeded. It has been a few days and I am still trying to wrap my head around everything but I know know that both of those ladies did me a hugh favour by showing me their true colours. It hurts now but soon it wont anymore, soon I will see that there are good kind honest people who want to see others happy and healthy and feeling good about themselves, and thats the kind of people I want to surround my slef.
People if you take anything from this entry its this : People who live in Glass Houses shouldnt throw STONES. Every single person in this world walks a journey you know nothing about so stop stepping over them to make yourself feel better, because it wont. Ask yourself this .. the next time you disrespect someone ask yourself how you would feel if that was directed at your son or daughter, how would you help your child pick up the pieces of their broken heart. Bullying isnt just on the playground people its on your facebook twitter and instagram accounts, its your neighbour or your playgroup mom or dad !!
Thank You XO M
8/12/2014 4:12:51 PM
Holy Kettlebells its almost the middle of August !! Where the hell did the last 8 weeks go ?!
Oh thats right they are in a pile of sweat on the floor at the gym .. Crossfit Stratford has been the hot spot for me this summer .. I have been averaging 3 times a week and I am telling you truthfully I LOVE IT !!! It is absolutly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and yep I birthed a 7 lb baby NATURALLY lol ... I am doing things I never in a million years thought for one second this sorry @ss could do a push up , yep dont adjust your eyes I typed PUSH up , the kind you see in the movies where youe whole body is off the ground and only your hands and toes are supporting you !! I can do 11 in a row WooHoo .. Listen if someone pulled me aside 3 months ago and said hey girl by the end of this summer you are gonna be killin it GI Jane style in the gym I would have choked on the chicken wing I was devouring LOL But here I am 8 week s in and I can do it !! Ok sorry it seems like all I am doing is bragging a lot but hell I AM !! And you would too if it was something you NEVER thought was possible.
I am in the gym trying new things and working my body in a way only my husband can appreciate lol But it feels good and it feels right and I can totally see how someone ( like me) who has an addictive personality could become a CrossFit addict .. You put your body to a test only you know the answers to, only you can write the questions to. You push yourself in everything you do and it makes me feel good, proud and damn it sexy !! Sure I may not have a flat stomach or any Lululemon gear on but no one in there cares and thats what makes me feel so good, I have never been in a room full of "skinny healthy athletes" before and not felt like a circus freak show , minus the facial hair :) I feel equal and eager to move like them and work hard like them and strive to be the best I can be just like them. I am so grateful to 2 very amazing people there by my side each time I work out cheering me on and encouraging me and talking me through the tough times. I am so appreciative of all their time and energy and everything they do for me, the almost 40 Phat girl who decided to make a change !!
As I write this blog I realize I may sound like an infomercial for some get Skinny quick shake powder or machine and thats not my intention, and I am by no means pushing Crossfit work outs on you either , all I am saying is if you find someone in your life who wants to help you make it happen then swallow any pride you think you have and take the help, because I did and I am so bloody thankful i did. I realize I am only 8 weeks into this lifestyle change and I still have a lot of other things I need to start doing to ensure positive results but hey 1 thing at a time right lol
Something I have recently seen across social media is phat women empowering each other to stand up and love who they are for how they look ! As a phat women I will say that is probably THEE hardest thing a person of size can do, mainly because we have spend the greater part of our lives being told in some form that we are not good enough or pretty enough or heaven forbid skinny enough .. I say for WHO , who is it in this universe that says I am not skinny enough ?? I say a big old F*#k you !! I may have a giggly tummy and big legs but their are my giggle parts not yours and I will enjoy them however I see fit ! If that means proudly wearing a 2 pc bathing suit then so be it .. If you dont like it then look the other way but for your future daughter or grand daughters sake keep your ridiculous comments to yourself !! In case it didnt occur to you ( UNIVERSE) I own a mirror and when you #fatshame me its nothing I havent said to myself ! So get some new material ... I really believe that people can be all shapes and sizes and still be healthy , and that is my goal to be healthy .. If being healthy means shedding some pounds along the way then thats a bonus, but I started this crossfit journey so my almost 5 year old son will look back on his childhod and remeber all the times mommy played soccer with him, or jumped on the tramploine ( that is still not a pretty site but I am working on it) with him. I want him to remember all of the activites we did together and not look back and be sad because mommy could do any fun stuff because she was too big or tired or out of breath.
I am looking forward to the next few weeks, I am looking forward to reaching new goals and achieving more personal bests, I look forward to creating strong bonds with my gym family. I am scared and excited to try new things and work at getting stronger and healthier along the way. NOW I will be 100% honest and tell you that I will most likely NOT give up all things bad for me lol but I have already become aware of how few and far between I do eat poorly. We all know I love food, its getting a love on for a whole new family of food that I am excited about ..
I look forward to sharing this journey with you, its been almost 2 full years I have been sending this blog out into the universe and I am excited to see where this chapter takes me <3
Thanks for all the love and support xo
7/13/2014 10:02:30 PM
The last few weeks have been such a struggle for me in so many aspects of my life . I have been finding it really hard to keep it together most days !! I have struggled with anxiety over the past few years and recently noticed it getting worse ! I can whole heartedly admit that 85% of what I worry about is out of my control, but the other 15% is totally on me !!
When I tell you its been hard keeping it together I mean its been hard, not a day passes that I dont cry, yell, wollow, self hate and then binge out on food that would make Dr Oz's back hair stand up and scream !!
6/9/2014 9:48:57 PM
I wish I had a great explanation for why I havent written for sometime but truthfully I am lazy and frankly a little emotionally broken these days and the idea of coming on and trying to sound witty and funny just didnt appeal to me the last 6 or more months !!
It has been a bad time for me , 2014 has not been my year so far lol As I look back the last 20 years I think I have repeated that same sentence but just a different year :( I should really clairify that 2014 has been realitivly kind to me its just that I have been down right miserable to it !!
I am sitting here tonight in complete quietness suffering from what a healthy skinny person may assum is a heart attack but to an over eating phat girl like myself I am painfully suffering from heartburn and indijestion due to the Wendys Jr Bacon cheese burger and potatoe loaded with warm gooey fake cheese and simulated bacon pieces, oh and a coke that could quench the thirst of a small 3rd world country !! Now some of you may say well thats not THAT bad, it could be worse .. Oh but it is , you see my sweet hubby brought me home an egg mcmuffin combo this morning for breakfast with a huge coffee 2 yep 2 cream. So you can see the reason for my heart burn, totally self inflicted and absolutly deserved it !!
You can imagine when I tell you what todays "menu" has been what the last 6-8 months have been like !! I will be truthful in saying I hate myself , loath myself really for eating this way !! I really belive that 50% of my heartburn is brought on by stress anxiety and REGRET cause holy moley that is some seriously poor eating !! The sad part about this is we have a fridge full of grapefruit, oranges, apples and eggs and bread but nope I opt for the easy meal .. Take out , I bet they call it take out because the more you consume the more you have to take out your clothes !!
As many of you wonderful readers know I suffer from depression and anxiety and that leads me to binge on unhealthy foods !! The last 5 months my life has been an emotion trampoline of highs and lows, and some of the lows have been SO draining that I have found myself seeking solace in food, any food any time some good but mostly bad and I seemed to have stopped caring about myself and the fact that I am essentially killing myself but allowing my lows to over take everyrhing !! I have always struggled with will power and being an adult in my late 30's I have almost regressed back to adolecence and become consumed and utterly dependent on FOOD. When I am engaged in conversation or activity with friends or family I can honestly admit in the front of my brain I am asking myself what I want to eat .. Scary isnt it, imagine how I feel everyrime that thought pops in my head and at a more inappropriot time too ! It actually scares me when I think about HOW MUCH I think about food in a single day, It oftens makes me feel like an addict, like a junkie jonzen" for a fix, only I dont snort or shoot my fix I inhale it by the bite size . I truly belive that I am a food addict, I belive there are so many of us suffering and no idea how toget help ! Is there a pill for this crap cause if so I will take a boat full please !
Tomorow I go see my family doctor and most people would be afraid their doctor would call them out on any weight gain, not my doctor, I have to be the one to bring up any issues and ask for help !! Maybe thats why he is still my doctor cause we both have our heads buried in the sand when it comes to my weight and bad eating !!
Thank you so much for reading !! Xo
More to come soon .. Promise <3
3/29/2014 12:05:44 PM
I should start off by sending you all a heartfelt apology for not connecting sooner, I have no excuse other then time energy and pure lazyness. Something I know we all suffer from :)
It has been an interesting start to 2014, I want to tell you that I had some sort of life altering episode and was able to disconnect my head from my asshole BUT I would be lying to you and I dont wanna do that !! I wish I could say that I woke up the first day of 2014 and decided that I was gonna make major changes to ME and my lifestyle blah blah blah BUT again not gonna lie to ya :)
Something I have been doing that is out of my comfort level is Weight Watchers .. Oh sorry just got up to inhale 3 home made chocolate chip cookies ;)
So where was I , oh yes WW ..
12/21/2013 8:59:29 AM
Here we are .. Finding myslef shocked that its late Decemeber and wondering where the hell the last 3 months went ?! I know that in the past 12 weeks I have been busy navigating my crazy life with its many many bumps and hiccups but I really cant believe we are gearing up to to say good bye to 2013. I welcome the new year and all its glorious options I welcome the idea of closing the chapter of my life I called 2013 - I hate you.
This past year I feel like I havent been living. I feel like well I havent been feeling at all !! It has been a big year for me in the sense that I made some wonderful discoveries about myself, some positive and more so negative. Now I know we all have negative things to say about ourselves this is the platform on which I choose to release them. SO if you do the math and subtract the last date of entry to today, I have a BOAT load of issues to "release"
In the past 3 months I have been dealt with the realization that I do NOT fit comfortably in an airplane .. Seat extender please .. Magic Kingdom's A Small World, really is a small world. That by allowing myself to pity myself I dont have to stand up and face the reality that I am doing more harm then good to myself.
The past few weeks I have been so focused on survining, on getting through the day with the anticipation that the next day WILL be better that I have lost sight of what really matters .. LONGEVITY .. I have realized that with all the go go going on that the way I live my life I have about a 47.5% rate of longevity. That scares the hell of out of me !! As aduts we strive to live longer, experience life and all the perks that come with longevity. Growing up and watching our children grow, passing the next level of LIFE with our spouse, seeing the world through the eyes of a mature happy healthy adult .. I dont see all these wonderful things in my future because right now in this moment all I have focus on is "getting throught today" Hoping, no praying that tomorow will be different, that some time between falling alseep at the end of a long crazy day I will wake up a healthy skinny new version of myslef, with a clean slate and a chance at 100% longevity. I think I have watched 1 too many ROM-Com movies, Drew Barrymore gets her happily Ever After so darn it I should too. The only difference is she gets paid to memorize a script and act it out like its her life and I dont have someone writting my Happily Ever After, Just me and well I may know how to make you laugh or put a smile on your face, I do not begin to understand how I put me first and focus on making my happily ever after happen !!
We took a family vacation this year to the most magical place on earth and well one would think I would be over the moon excited I wasnt, you see all I could fixate on was the mode of transpartation TO the most magical place on earth. The Plane ride, now I am not afraid of getting on a plane and flying high in the sky to a destionation of choice, nope I am more anxious about the seating sizes of a standard plane. Most people keep a finger crossed that the leg room sistuation will be OK .. Not me I could only think about how difficult it was gonna be to strap my Phat belly into an economy size seat in a plane that SHOULD only seat 50 people but was re vamped to seat 80 people. The passangers discomfort is the airlines financial gain. As we enter the plane already I know that picking the very back seats was a mistake, I now had to heave my purse above my head so I didnt knock anyone out trying to make my way to the back. Physically turn my body side ways and Shuffle my way through the isle towards that back. All the while realizing my fate was set out for me prior to stepping foot on thie plane that my seatbelt was not gonna fit, it was not gonna wrapy around my oversized figure, I was gonna have to be that person who needed to ask for an extention, god help me I did not want to be that person. As we arrived at the seats my husband took the window seat and our son took the middle. After waiting for them to settle I sat down in my slightly smaller then standard size seat !! After making sure the hubby and son were sitting comfotably I grabbed the seat belt and prayed like a mad women it was gonna reach around me, to my not so shocked self it barely made it half way.
I felt a rush of heat cross my face and fillmy cheeks red, I felt at that moment that EVERY person on that plane knew knew that I couldnt do my belt up. Ironically I could feel myself shrinking in the seat beneth me. My wonderful husband who recognizes my anxiety to a tee came to my resuce with one fell spwoop he took my hand and told me its ok. The next thing I know the flight attendent is handing HIM a seat extender. I was so numb to my surrounds that I didnt even notice how discret he was in asking for one. With one click of the belt I felt ok. I looked around to realize not a single person was aware of my anxiety not a sinlge person cared if my belt fit or not !!
So I fast forward to the day we arrived at the MAGICAL KINGDOM .. Disney Land .. we spent most of the day touring around "Its a small World" and let me tell you , it is a SMALL world for sure. A phat persons nightmare !! The first ride we line up for is The Tea Cups, if you have EVER been to disney you know that ride is excatly as it sounds !! We walk up to some very pretty very NARROW yellow cups and saucer and my little guy hops in right away. Then our beautiful teenage family friends hops in next. As I look at them and look at the ride I realize I am about to have a full on WAR with this thing. Smack dab in the middle of this ride is a solid porceline turney thing .. Its what the ride is all about, you spin and spin your way through 3 minutes of pure joy. I take a deep breath in, hold my gut UP yep thats right there is enough of it that I held it UP and shimmied my way on to what felt like theee smalllest ride EVER. As I sat down my heart sank, it was in that moment that I realized I would not be able to experience any of these rides with my son. It was so dis heartening to know I would not be able to experience the thrill of the ride the pure joy of being a kid with my kid. That hurt, but I was able to suck it up and ask our teenage family friend if she would step in and ride the rides, of course she was amazing and rode every ride in A Small World with him while I sat back and waved and smiled at every turn he made on the Flying dumbo's and Goofy's roller coaster. Of course to my 4 year old he was completly oblivious to my feelings and that is exactly as it should be. I never want my son to know my pain, I also dont want him to experience the kind of sadness I felt that day at Disney Land.
Sometimes I think my whole life is Disney Land and that I just 'get by' holding back the tears of regret for all the things my Phat body stops me from doing, seeing being living. Truthfully I dont want to be that women who turns a certain age and looks back with regrets .. I dont want to look at my son all grown up and not smile at all the beautiful moments we could have had .. Its not something I even factured into when planning on being a mom, my weight wasnt at the top of my list of things to hold me back from enjoying motherhood, life etc. So why have I allowed it to take over my son's toddler years and my mid 30's, cause if I dont break the cycle now I am gonna watch my 40's skip by with no happy smiles to show for them !!
People please listen to me when I say this, its ok to love your self, your body at any size BUT its not ok to let it take over your life at any size. I NEED to break free from this phat and become the healthy momma I know I can be.
So much more to say but for another time
XO thanks for your love support and kindness
9/2/2013 12:49:55 PM
I have so much bottled up inside me today its crazy, I want to scream from the roof all the shit thats eating away at me but at the same time I just wanna crawl into bed, watch the TLC channel and eat myself into a mini series "2 ton depressed women stuck inside her home" Sounds pathetic but I bet you it would pull in ratings, cause everyone likes to watch a train wreck right LOL
Now I am not saying I am a train wreck OR 2 tons for that matter but latley I have been down, depressed and sort of numb if I am being honest. Most people LOVE the summer, the beach bbq's friends and fun but I just feel like the summer of 2013 got the best of me. I feel like I dug a hole in the sand and buried myself. Hoping that the further down I sank the less numb I would feel. If anyone out there suffers from depression like I do I am assuming you cant relate to this on some level. depression is a visious cycle of ups and downs .. and for me both my ups & downs are bandaid with Food , lots of ooey gooey bad to the core food and in copious amounts of it too. Bring on the spicey Thai food and the saucy wings with finger sucking blue cheese dressing for dipping, give me a jug of lime flavoured kool aide ( cause I didnt get it as a child and am certainly making up for the now) to wash down some beef nachoes with xtra cheese and sour cream !! Shit sorry guys I am hungry now lol
I have often wondered why my brain instantly thinks about food when I am having a good day or a bad day ! I wonder if its the same feeling an alcoholic gets when they need a drink, or a junkie when they need to get high. What makes us wired to become addicts ?! maybe I should have paid more attention to science class ..
I almost feel like I have been ripped off just a little, I suffer from depression ( have for years) AND on top of that, cause thats not enough , I am addicted to food. Now some will argue with me that food addiction is non exsistent, I say screw you come live a week in my denim jeans and tell me how you feel. Some may also argue that I may be just seeking attention with my blog and that I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. Well to you I also say screw you, not once have I ever written that I dont have plently to be thankful for .. but for those of you who need me to share with you I will. HEALTH .. I am a cancer survivor of 13 years, FAMILY .. I am lucky to have both my parents alive and a sister who I am building a wonderful realtionship with . My HUSBAND .. who let me tell you should win a friggin golden globe award for putting up with my ever changing moods <3 My SON .. who is the reason I DO get out of bed every day. and lastly My FRIENDS, thought over the years have become small but mighty are super important to me.
But amongst all of that happiness lies a women who is over weight and very unhappy. I look in the mirror and I dont see ME any more, I see a sad ashamed girl who doesnt see the light. I wonder how it is emotionally possible to LOVE & HATE at the same time !?! I love my life but I hate who I am, quite frankly I really didnt think I would meet someone who would love me like my husband does.. Bless his big heart cause I know when he looks at me he see's Drew Barrymore in Charlies Angels NOT Gwenyth Paltrow in Shallow Hal .. I have a great job I am thankful for and a son who bless him see me only as mommy, not phat mom or ugly mom JUST mommy. I am scared for the day he looks at me differently because .. it will break my heart. I have a very close friend who once told me she fears the day her daughters wont swim with her because they are embarressed by her, I get it, I get the feeling of being judged not only by strangers but by people who love us. I think that is the scariest feeling, knowing that someday the 2 people in this world I love more then life will look at me the same way a stranger at the supermarket looks at me, with shame and disgust...
I think I have come to a crossroads in my life where I need to break this cycle, eat feel bad write about it REPEAT .. I have some tough choices to make in the near future and I hope I can make the best choice that will give me inner and outer peace. I had 2 very sweet people reach out to me after my last blog and it ment so much to me Xo My journey is not over yet, I feel like somedays it hasnt even started yet lol But what I do know is this... Life is NOT easy, it doesnt come with an instruction manual, we dont always have to take after our elders and we certainly have the right to break free and take charge. As I type these words I am some what laughing out loud to myself, I sound a little like Suzanne powder circa 1992 .. I AM not shaving my head and wearing a unitard on t.v !!! But who knows what the next 10 years hold for, or 5 yrs for that matter. So stay tuned to find out folks
I am sorry to have unleashed some heavy thoughts on here today but it really makes me accountable for my feelings when I do. So tomorow is a new day with new possibilities and I look forward to taking them on
till next time
7/18/2013 8:10:18 PM
Sweet mother of all things candy coated and chocolate .. I am about to persperate my way to model status. I fully remember at this very moment why I hate summer, its not the skinny gals in 2 piece bikinis or short shorts , no no its friggin sweat, hot sticky salty smelly sweat .. and right about now I would gladly exchange this "canadian summer" with a cold hard dose of good old fashion Canadian winter !!
For those of you wondeful people who are blessed with some sort of freak cosmit anti sweat body .. I hate you right now .. Sweat is by far THEE most annoying dirty gross act our body can do , and yep there is some crazy shit are bodies do. I know that its "healthy" to sweat but as a phat person its embarrasingly unhealthy to sweat THIS much, in places that holy crap SHOULDNT produce sweat .. Like the back of my legs really what is the sense in that, it only allows me to stick to anything leather I touch and well thats embaressing. And what preytell is so healthy about sweating ?! Cause from where I stand ( sweating like Richard Simmons on a work out video) its only disgusting.
As someone of the plus size proportion I have to say I really wish I never had to leave my house from the months of June-September .. I would lay around with my AC on 69 YEP 69 with boxer shorts and a tank top on.. I would have a seasonal funeral for all my Bra's cause frack they suck .. or should I say stick to me like crazy glue to a popcicle stick. I would eat only ice cream and watermelon and suck on freezies. I dont believe I would even open my curtains !! It would be heavenly *cue the harp music*
But reality is bigger then fantasy and last time I check I could NOT go to work bra-less in my PJ's, so each day the humidex hovers at a delightful 43c I move a little less, eat a little less and consume as much beverage as possible. I know that there are skinny people out there reading this wondering what the hell I look like and how bad it must be to live with sweat, to you I say it is awful, I have always been someone who does little and breaks a large dose of sweat but the bigger I have gotten the more noticible it is to me and for sure the people around me !! I appoligize to anyone I come in contact with this summer and may possibly look like I just got a beat down from Jillian Micheals, its not the case I am just a big ol gal who sweats and hates heat.
Iknow that this entry doesnt involve some crazy rant about food or skinny people but I had to share my aggravation with the web about my unhealthy amount of sweat. I use to say to my friends in high school and college that if I could be granted 1 free surgery I would have my sweat glands removed, it would be so amazing to wake up each day and not worry about sweating in places that should not feel persperaction !!
Thanks for letting me rant on about my sweaty bullsh*t people, I am off to have a cold shower and a glass of Merlot
stay cool my friends