4/19/2013 8:52:12 PM
I feel like my head has been buried up my ass lately .. Seriously though IF my head where to fit up my ass I would be Impressed, cant say my body has been flexible at all these days LOL ... I have gotten over a horrible cold and this last 3 days I have realized I have used excuse after excuse NOT to slap my not so flattering swim suit on and paddle my way to the YMCA. Crazy as it sounds that once I am there I love it.. I feel good, happy content and energized so why the hell am I avoiding it ?! Please dear god someone shed some light on this question cause I really didnt think of my self as a "self sabatoger" but if the thigh-master fits ... I dont understand why the powers that be created a lazy person !?! Really what in the hell have we got to gain by being lazy and under active.. I will tell you this its called diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, the bloody list is endless and seeming scary. But for the high percentage of go geters, active Annie's they get all the good stuff, like a healthy heart, great skin, high metabolisum a freaking TINY waist line and not to mention killer designer clothes to choose from. So again why are their lazy people and go getters ? I will say this that as long as I avoid mirrors at all cost in my mind I am 70% GG and 30% lazy .. but truth be told and well its not a real secret its definentaly 96% LAZY and 4% Go get me a cold drink and some doritos PLEASE ... I wonder how we are determined to be placed in such categories of life.. I certainly missed the golden ticket hand out for Active and was thrown the t-bone steaks of Lazy cause if I had a choice a real choice then I tell you I would be running with my pal Juile, coaching my son's blast ball team, cycling with my friend Anita and so so much more. I know I know all you nature VS nurture people are reading this and screaming silently in to your screens You hold your destiny You make thngs happen You modivate yourself. Well blah blah blah yes you are correct in saying all of those things BUT I am simply looking at it from a total different angle, please come get on my couch and look up .. way up and what do you see ? A 96% lazy mid 30's mother and wife deseratly trying to keep it together, desperate to dig down deep and make sense of who she is. So no I dont have what it takes to make it happen, or motivate my self or reach out and grab my own destiny. I feel like this late in my life it is totally unattainable, like its not an option for me to succeed. Like somewhere out there was my chance early early on and I missed ceasing that opportunity to be great at being active and healthy. So when its time for me to meet the powers to be I will have some serious questions to ask because I really really hate my unhealthyness and all that sucks the life out of me. Dark I know but hey its a dark kinda day and thats ok. This is not a rant for all to stroke my ego and tell me what I want to hear, this is simply what it is .. a question, a fact you might say about who I am on the inside. I think its super important to recognize my feelings and disapointments about myself. I really believe if every one of us was openly more honest about how we see and feel about our selves I think this world would be a whole lot nicer to each other !!
As I sit here and re read what I have written I see how tonights blog may come across, like I am not owning up to the things in my life that contribute to being lazy or not motivated, and maybe a little or not so little part of me is because in life we learn the blame game and I have certainly played that well when disecting my body .. Its my slow metabolisum, my under eating, my low B12 , my work scheduel, really the list is endless and I dont need to point it all out. All I am saying is so many time I see Dr Oz Dr Phil Jillian Michaels talk to the camera and tell us "You hold the key to your futre" Well let me tell you Dr OZ, PHIL and Jillian Michaels I havent got a flying F*&k where my key is and how to unlock the inner health nut So THERE !!
I do know this, tomorow is a new day with a new attitude and new choices So I will make a better effort to be aware of my choices and how to pick one that will help me not hurt me.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, it means more then you know. It truly is therapy for me and I am thankful to have this outlet to talk.
3/17/2013 8:14:28 PM
They say there are a certain number of stages you experience when you lose a loved one. The one that stands out for me is DENIAL ... I have not lost a physical being in my life however I am in Denial over the lose of Me, Meagan Jones .. That active, energetic mid 30's girl out to have a good time. You remeber the one who was hyper and happy and full of life, loved a good time and doing things for others !! That Meagan Jones. Somewhere along this weight gain journey I have lost her, maybe even killed her really ! Dramatic Yes but Hey I have been told I am a little of that :)
In the last 10 years I have told myself its not whats on the outside that counts that good friends true friends will love me for my personality and the kind of person I am, giving, loving caring supportive. All of those things I feel that at this particular moment in my life I do not posses. I feel like since this uphill battle of weight gain I have slowly killed the happy go lucky eager to please Meagan Jones. Truth be told I am really starting to miss her !! I miss being a busy body I miss going out and having fun and not having my weight or poor health effect my social choices. It really sucks when my weight interferes with all things fun.
Over the past few months I have taken a hard look at myself physically and for the 1st time I really see what other people see when they look at me .. And for the record its not nice. I have been told I have a nice sense of fashion and that my face is pretty and I say forever THANK You to those wonderful friends in my life that ALWAYS see my good, but a pretty face doesnt get you up a flight of stairs 2 at a time OR 45 minutes of all out fun on the floor with my 3 year old. A nice outfit doesnt stop me from panting like an asthmatic desperate for a puffer walking from the back of the parking lot to the mall entrance.
This past week end I spent some time with a very good friend, we laughed drank had fun and enjoyed each others company. After chatting on Tuesday night about the week end she mentioned to me she has noticed a change in me, and as a true friend I listened to her tell me that she noticed over the week end my lack of energy and spark, that I wasnt the 1st to jump up to get something, help someone of make something. That yes we have kids and YES YES YES they are draining on a good day but she told me that I have changed. A few years ago I heard those same words from a close friends lips and I didnt see it then, And I know that this friend loves me for me and who I am as a friend but the changes she see's in me are things that I can absolutly see and I want to change, I want to improve !! I want to SHINE bright like a diamond .. I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel alive again. And the main thing I need to do is stop allowing my weight to control me, because frankly it is Dominating my lifestyle right now and I have had ENOUGH. Its time for me to stop being "Large & In charge" and start being "Happy & Healthy"
I know there are days that the food I put in my body are far from healthy and I know there are days I am NOT removing myself from the couch unless absolutley nessecary, however from here on out I AM making a conciouse effort to move more, to become an active parent to get up and go go go . We have recently joined the local YMCA where I have really enjoyed the aqua fit classes each morning for 45 min and 30 minutes of lengths, now I will say my lengths are more like doggy paddles up and down the pool but HEY its moving and thats what I need. The class its self is a vigorous as I make it and let me tell you I truely feel SKINNY in water, well except for the jumping jacks that get my tummy Phat jiggling a little more then I want LOL. I feel so empowered and healthy for that 45 minutes, I am proud of myself at the start of my day and I feel like thats the kick start I have been looking for to get me towards a goal, a healthy goal whatever it is. I refuse to put a number on it, I will NOT get on a scale and I am NOT on a diet. However I am making healthy dicisions and sparkling bright !!
To all you beauties out there big & small dust yourselves off and Sparkle bright xo
3/1/2013 1:56:50 PM
ok So we are heading to friends this week end for some snowmobiling and dinner and I realized I dont have anything to wear. LOL typical women I know but I am truely not an outdoor person so why would I own snow pants !?!
As usual I wait to the last minute to shop for something in a small town of 30 000 with ONE mall and NO real plus size store in that mall. My husband the eternal optimist encourages me to head to Marks Work Wharehouse as they carry "bigger sizes"
So off we went this monring to *fingers crossed* buy me some Big Girl Pants and boots. As we enter the store we make a bee line for the back where the only row of winter wear is hanging. First I have to say I saw NO red tags or sale signs anywhere and I REALLY dont want to spend a bunch of money on snowpants ;)
I look around only to find SIX yep SIX pairs of snow pants on a rack. $72.95, christ did they not realize its almost spring out ?!?! That bloody hog saw his damn shadow and people are buying bathing suits !! why are winter pants the same size as my Hydro bill ?!
SO as I thumb throught the TINY selection of pants , suprisingly I notice a tag that says 3x .. I get excited, like Lotto 649 excited for a brieft minute I am thankful for Marks Work Wahrehouse and their size selcetion. I flagged my husband over and a little louder then I needed to be I exclaim "They have 3x" he smiles know that he doesnt have to hold me up emotionally today and tell me I am beautiful and Blah Blah Blah all the wonderful things he does for me EVERYTIME "It doesnt fit"
As I ignore the price tag I remove the hanger from the rack and take the pants off, slowly I feel my heart racing as my eyes begin to size up the pants. After holding up the pants above my head I look at my husband who can know see the "ACTUAL" size he is sad and hopeful for me at the same time. "Just try them on" he says. Really I say Yes he says .. Just then a slightly plump teenage sales girl approaches us asking if we are finding everything ok ?! I say yes if I was 50 lbs lighter OR the sizes were more accurate. She akwardly laughs. I ask for the change room and she motions me to some.
I need to point out to you that today is a fairly cool day, I am wearing a tank top and golf shirt combo with jeans and my fall coat with a cotton scarf around my neck. I am sweating like Richard Simmons on and episode of Dancing With The Stars. I am hot, sweat and already emotionally defeated !! BUT I remove my cloths and make the effort to try on these 2 styles of snow pants. The first pair that claim to be 3x are a basic snow pant with zipper sides and back elastic waist and botton front. As I slide them up my Kirsty Alley thighs I stop and realize they are not getting any further, they are so "snug" they made me knee caps feel like bowling balls... Off they Go ... Pair number 2 come off the hanger, they did look a little more promising then the first pair as they had a full elastic waist and a full leg. So as I slip them on they made there way OVER my bowling ball knees and up over my Kim Kardashian ass. For the love of ice cream the suckers even made it around my waist !! I was shocked, as I stood in front of the very clean FULL length DOUBLE wide mirror they provide * Why by the way do they need a mirror the entire size of a changeroom wall* I realized I have one small task left to accom[plish before my husband digs deep into his Dainier leather wallet and buys me a pair of snow pants. I have to be able to zip them up. Ok I think this wont be so bad I got them up and on didnt I !! So as I slip the suspenders over my shoulder I reach for the plastic zipper. As I am attempting to pull that sucker up a notice in the mirror my stomach is taking on an unusual shape. I keep pulling and pulling til I realize the zipper is only half way up and my stomach is now the shape of a large Hershys easter egg. Like if I had siccors and it was extra material I could chop it off and the zipper would have reched the top. BUT that "egg" of phat was not material it was me and there would be no cutting !! I took a moment to wipe away the heavey beads of sweat on my forhead away before quickly pulling down the zipper, slipping off the suspenders and removing the pants. I didnt even hang the bastards back up on their hangers I just got dressed and bolted out the change room. Found my husband and told him they were a NO GO ... I talked both him and myself into wearing TWo pairs of yoga pants while out on the snowy trails.
I realized 2 things today, just because it says its 3x ... they are lying ! AND I need to listen to my inner voice and not try something on because I "think it might fit" It will only make me feel like shit !! On a happier note I did walk away with a really nice pair of winter boots !!
2/25/2013 7:01:57 PM
Wow I can not believe how fast a whole month flies by. I can remeber thinking at 10 years old the summer holidays seemed to last forever, Now I can barely enjoy a week end before its suddenly Monday
This past month has been a hell of a struggle for me .. I have been out of control like Britney Spears with an umbrella out of control. I wake up literally every day Exhausted, questioning if I even slept at all. I have no energy to chill with my little man and less then no energy to go to work and fake it to make it. I feel like I am in this black hole and I have no idea if there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I know this sounds extrem but Hey extrem is my middle name, Meagan EXTREME mood swings. For those super close to me you can agree that over the last 5-10 years I have been slightly extrem in my moods. When I am happy I want to shout it from the roof tops, and celebrate with FOOD. When I am down I push everyone who loves me away, except for my pal FOOD. Its like feeling crappy about myself gives my inner self control the chance to unleash and eat eat eat. And if it was all berries and couscous I wouldn't be writting this blog !!
The other day as I was shoveling 4 mint smoothies in my gob I realized I had not eaten a single health item in that day. And when I sat down to recall the earlier part of my week it hit me that I had been on a junk food frenzie and I WAS NOT stopping at chocolate, it was take out, chips, pop and anything else I could get my chubby paws on. Even now as I write this down I realize how sad and disgusting that is. Whats even more pathetic is I am trying every trick in the book to get my 3 year old to eat veggies and fruit more. What a huge hypicrit I am, considering I freakin HIDE anything ooey and gooey from him and then after he goes to bed I scarf it down like its the last good meal I am gonna eat. How can I ask him to eat better and try new things when I am far doing that myself.
I can sit here and rhym off at least 5 excuses why I eat the way I eat, my shift is hard to work in a scheduel, I am depressed, its cheaper, blah blah blah. Truth moment ... *drum role* I Love food, all sorts of food that is clearly not good for me. I want to induldge DAILY in chocolate, and cakes and cookies and pop. Oh god I am craving chocolate RIGH NOW, I want to eat and not feel guilty I want to eat and not gain weight, I wanna eat and ENJOY it without hiding it. Why is it so darn impossible to be phat in society ? Why must we judge ?? I am guilty of it and I am not proud of that. I feel like I have take a moment to put someone else down in order to make myself feel a lot better. ANd It stops now .. who are we to judge others, no one know what people go through just to get out of bed. If twinkies and diet coke does it then hey let it be !!
The next time you see someone over induldging dont judge, ask yourself What did it take for him/her to get out of bed today ??
1/29/2013 10:13:50 PM
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1/20/2013 7:37:20 PM
So I have been scratching my head a lot lately trying to come up with a reason why I am not happy ... I mean for the most party I am happy but I feel like I am always comparing myslef to other people and what they have or who they are and it always comes back to "why cant that be me ??"
Well first i have to remind myself that "they" broke the mold when they made me LOL I belive that is me stroking my ego just a little ;) For as long as I can remember I have wanted more, more money, more material possesions, more friends, more food, more more more. If I take a step back and look at the big picture I have a so much more then many people struggle to have.
I have a husband that puts up with A LOT, alot people, he cleans, cooks, does laundry is an AMAZING father to our son and most importantly he loves me and all my bipolar craziness. He has the patients of a saint when it comes to my needs and wants and ya he may not let me be right all of the time, but he loves me .. Me, a women who truly thought I would still be living in the basement of my parents house till I became some sort of old maid LOL He loves my curves, my humour, my family, my friends, my laugh, the list could go on. When I take a moment to appreciate that I cry.. Yep cry, why you ask because I feel like Drew Barrymore standing on the pitchers mount in Never Been Kissed. And both Drew and I get our men !!
I also have to take a moment to appreciate my 3 year old miricle, my bouncing off the walls filled with energy always ready for hugs and kisses miricle. For those of you in my inner circle and others in close ear shot you know that I have days and sometimes many of them that I want to lock myself in my bedroom with a bottle of wine and re runs of Bold & The Beautiful. But there are far more days of giggles and laughter and hugs and kisses then there are screaming crying temper tantrum ones. And for simple things like that I am grateful for him. One of the most special bonds we share are the rare nights I get to tuck him into bed. It can be the most trying of days but at bed time he makes my heart melt. After he is nestled in bed surrounded by all of his sweet little bears named Henry, He askes for a hug & a kiss. So I lean down and give him the tightest squeeze and then he places his tiny hands on my face and gives me 4 quick kisses. As i leave his room calling out goodnight he tells me once again I love you, as I am half way down the stairs I call back I love you too. Silence for a second then in a bold big voice "Your beautiful" .. I thank him and let him know he is beautiful too and I make my way down the stairs smiling from ear to ear. Love bedtimes
So if it wasnt obvious I have to take a moment to let you know the 2 most important people in my life are my mom and dad. *tearing up already* I have had many highs and many many lows in my short 36 years and they have been the 2 people who have always been there for me. I know your thinking well thats what parents do but that is not always the case, I have met some great people in my life who had fallen on some tough times and havent had a parent to lean on, and for that alone I am so grateful for my parents. My mom has been my best friend my whole life, she has baked me cookies and wiped my tears on bad days, she has laught with me not at me at my most embarrissing moments and she has held me up and let me shine on my brightest moments. I only hope to be half the parent to my son as she has been to me. My dad has showed me nothing but love and support my whole life. He has wanted nothing but the best for me as I searched to belong, struggled to be healthy and reached for my goals. He has taught me that I can be whatever I want as long as I set my mind to it, that it doesnt matter what others think of me that as long as I love myself others will love and respect me too. He has the most amazing gift of love and gentle kindness I hope to attribute to my beautiful boy as he grows up.
There are things in my life that I take for granted daily, and I would like to say that I am trying to change and appreciate what I have but the truth is as a human being we are all wired in some way to want more, from friends family work ect, and thats ok. What I do need to work on is drawing a big bold line between what I want and what really matters. At the end of the day I have a healthy family, a roof over my head and a job that pays the bills and then some. So when I see someone driving a nicer car, or wearing designer clothes or taking a third trip in one year I am gonna step back and remind myself that what I have is what I need right now and I am ok with that.
1/9/2013 10:32:50 PM
A New Year .. A New Start and possible a new version of Me . If my life was based on a sitcom it maybe titled "The Chronicles Of Meagan Jones 2.0" or something to that effect. Anyways the truth be told I am 9 days into a new year and no drastic changes with my lifestyle .. Suprise .. but the good news is I was NOT one of millions that promised a newier healthier me when that damn glitter ball took a nose dive at midnight on New years Eve. No no I have grown to realize in my wise old age of 36 that lying to ones self gets you NO WHERE so I thought why lie to myself, why not start the new year off with the truth .. My day to day routine is what it is .. I juggle a 3 year old a husband and a full time 40 hour work week which doesnt start til 3 pm each day .. SO I decided that as usual I would avoid all talks or references to the "new Years resolution" that instead i would keep on keeping it real ... Like Kim Kardashions fur coats and love life I would not pretend to be something that I am not and just be me .. In the words of a very wise women I know "I am doing me"
With that I will whole heartedly admit I am sort of fed up with the whole "Being Phat" ... I would love nothing more then to go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorow with a line of trained perfessionals at my bedside motivating , or scaring the hell out of me to be a healthier version of my already inner AWSOME self !! But the truth is I wont wake up tomorow with Jillian micheals at my bedside *Thank God she is one scary Bitch* I would hope that tomorow when I open my eyes that I take a moment to soak in a new day with new ups and downs with choices that only I am going to be accountable for .. Oh ya and my new kuerig coffee maker with high cal coffee creamer screaming at my like a tantrum 4 year old at Baskin Robbins ...
As I ramble on I realize that I need to make this blog more about my LIFE then just food, I want to be able to discuss issues with you that mean something to me, I really want to scratch the surface of this blog and be real you and for me that's opening up about what goes on in my head ... heart and crazy life. I initially chose to blog because I thought WELL no one will really read this and if they do they wont know me or care what i write , but tonight as I sit here trying really hard not to indulge in a tub YEP tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream from Bryers *it was a long day dont judge* I am going back to my "roots" if you will re connecting with my inner demons and remembering why blogging about my life is important ... It makes me feel good and who doesnt love to feel good.
I have struggled for months with entry's because I felt it was so hard to come up with a food story to share, then I realized my entire life is based around what I scarf down my plus sized gob and maybe just maybe if I share my daily emotional crap for all the internet to read i will feel good, maybe even great. Who knows I may start a movement or something !! Well a girl can dream right LMAO
So for now I bid you a good night and a very big Thanks for the love support and everything else you have given me by reading this blog
More to follow soon
11/5/2012 10:09:54 PM
Well I want to thank all of the amazing people who have encouraged me to go forward with what I am doing xo You are all amazing and I am lucky to have you in my life
So I last left off with in my opinion a bit of a cliff hanger .. I mentioned a man, someone I have been seeing for the past few months and I am ready to shout from the roof tops how amazing this man is. I do want to take a second to mention that THEE most amazing, supportive loving man in my life is my awsome husband. He is the love of my life and I wouldn't be the person I am today with out him I luv u D
So a few months back a sweet friend of my mentioned she had been seeing "a guy" and he had really helped her get centered and on the right track emotionally. She passed along his name and number and I thought "what the hell" "what have I got to lose except a few bucks" Well the instant I spoke to him I was drawn to his positive energy and upbeat personality. We set up a t time to meet at my place and I mentioned I thought he would be good for my husband too.
We were both in a low place in our lives and well who are we kidding "Misery loves Company" right and I knew we needed help in the unconventional way so I threw my inhabitions out the window and made the connection (insert angels singing, harps playing) Best thing I ever did.
After seeing him for the first time I knew he would become a constent in my life. Not because he told me things, nice things that made me feel good, but things that made me take a step back and go " ahh yes" I know that lately many of my loved ones and close friends had tried their best to make me go "ahh" but who are we kidding I needed a stranger to be held accountable to, and funny enough he knew I needed that and even called me out on it
SO for the next few weeks I was going to his place and learning to relax and open up my demon door and release my inner "shit" Ironically it was satifying, and scary all at once because for those of you who know me you know that its hard for me to let go of ANYTHING and I try so bloody hard to hide my emotions when in reality they are smeared all over my face like a great chicken wing sauce !!
After tapping into "me" and my "inner shit" He made a great recomendation for me to participate in a group therapy session. Well who was I to pass up an opportunity to get mentally on tack AND be in a room full of other people dealing with their shit. Love it .. So I made the decision to sign up for a lot of reason but the main was so I can be accountable on a daily basis, that no matter how hard I make things out to be there is a level of acceptance behind finding inner peace. Even if this means I eat my emotions, I am AWARE that I am eating my emotions not dwealling about it and channeling a positive way to work through it, like with apple slices and yogurt and NOT mars bars and pizza ! And not to beat myself up about it because it is not getting me anywhere. Which was and still is a crazy concept to overcome, DON'T beat myself up ... HMMM what would that feel like because if I am being honest here I have't been kind to myself in a really really long time. And again I think the fact that this guy felt that from me made me what this more !!
So its been 3 weeks since I started this 8 week group session and I love it when I am in the moment but I have to say its been a struggle to follow through with the lessons on my own, I realize how easy it is to say screw it I will pick up tomorow and double the work load .. Typical Virgo LOL .. One of the things that has stuck with me is something the other "guru" guy said and that was "You only get out of this what you put into this" ... Holy batman cave what a concept, something that can be applied to my entire life.
I struggle with so much everyday, as most of us do, it makes us human. I am just trying to wrap my head around working through "this moment" and not stress about the tomorow .. Because someone once told "There is no past or future, only the present" and I am just trying to be happy and content in THIS moment
11/2/2012 9:53:27 PM
ok so first off I need to apologize to you for avoiding my blog duties for the last several weeks. In my head its only been a few days but in my heart i know its been too long !!
The past few months I have been hiding, avoiding and well frankly ignoring this blog like the plague .. Embaressed to admit that I have once again let myself down when it comes to committing to somthing I preached so hard about !! I guess I knew I had nothing to offer, or share to the wonderful people who take time out of their day to read my blog. I felt somewhat trapped in a sense with nothing to write my way out of that didnt sound like I was waulowing or asking for pity.
To be honest I realize now that this blog I have created is the outlet I need to feel human, ok with what I do and the choices I make. For a while I had such postive feedback from this about my honesty and emotions and that really did scare me that maybe I bit off far more then I can handle. That I had created something that is bigger then me and now I have ANOTHER "something" to be held accountable for.
I have realized that that cant be more far from the truth .. I am honered that you the reader feel so connected because of my honesty and emotions, its who I am and I am not going to run from that any more. I want to make this blog more then just food. I want this to be an outlet for feelings, growth and a journey no matter how long or short that will somehow make me feel better about me know matter my size OR what the hell I shove down my throat.
So starting TODAY Nov 2 2012 I promise not to avoid and always turn to the keyboard to vent my feelings how ever big or small they may seem. I want you to know that I value your opinions and advice and its always welcome this way. Today is the day I start owning ME and that has to start within and it has to start NOW
I have been seeing someone, a man and yes my husband is fully aware of this new budding relashionship. Before you get ahead of your selves I will say this, it is an intmate relashionship but not on the level you are thinking.
I will leave you with that and please know I WILL be back tomorow with much much more
9/20/2012 9:56:41 PM
i really don't know how to start this entry .. its not like I am lost for words or anything I just dont know how to start this one person conversation !!
So as mentioned I have been avoiding mirrors at all costs, and so far I thought that was working for me BUT I was totally oblivous to the one person who see's me inside and out .. my wonderful amazing super sweet and always caring husband. All this time I have been avoiding looking at me, really looking at me and all the while he is stuck staring at me and this downward spiral of crazyness I have been on.
Over the course of marital bliss I have estimated an average of 10 lbs weight gained per year we have been married, we will offically celebrate 7 years in 2 weeks. Now I know that you dont need to grab a calculator to add up the poundage.. 70 YEp 70 lbs give or take. What a sin, sad really when I see it written in front of me. I know that in that time I have given birth to our beautiful baby boy but honestly I had a great pregnancy with very little weight gain, so the truth of the matter is this PHAT girl has eaten herself into a state of 70 lbs of HOLY SH&t
Ok so back to where I wanted to go with this blog. My hubby, like most men, tells me how great I look or what a pretty outfit I choose when going out. Latley I have been barely pulling it together let alone myself. I have been in a fashion funk for quite some time now and last week my hubby had the courage to let me know. It was a friday night in and after realizing I went grocery shopping and DIDNT pick up any chips I mentioned to him that once our little guy was sleeping i was gonna run down to the store before settling onto the couch. Ok so I have a shitty memory ( selective some will say) but I am pretty sure I had full intentions of making a nice dinner for us but got LAZY, yep the L-word, and we ended up ordering pizza. So realistically was a bag of frigging LAY'S ketchup chips neccessary to enjoy "What to Expect when Expecting" ... NOPE not at all but as usual I had given onto my cravings. LOL who am I kidding I didnt cave I barely put up a fight , sort of my motto latley, what Meagan wants Meagan gets. Too bad it didnt apply to winning the Lotto 649 !!
So there I stand in front my hubby who has kept his gob shut this whole time while I have been on my self destructive roller coaster and he is giving me this look of "Really" Well let me tell you my heart sank, as he looked at me he calmly says "Look, we have been saying a lot latley we need to cut back" ... suddenly his lips were moving but I couldnt hear anything, I was .. well I don't know really, sad that he was saying this to me, mad that he thought he could tell me what to do and embarressed that he in a round about way was calling me out on my eating. I must have looked liked someone had died because suddenly he was back peddling, telling me no no go to the store, get what you want. But it didnt matter cause what I have secretly been fearing for all these months had surfaced.
I sat on the couch and cried, you heard me cried, over a bag of fucking ketchup chips. But it was so much deeper then that and I wasnt prepaired for this conversation from my sweet concered loving husband. The one person who I was secreltly hoping was on my side, who was my partner in crime, my YES man. After drying the tears away I DID buy the damn chips and I have to admit they didnt taste all that great, bitter really !!
This whole time I have only been putting me first, cause for some selfish reason I thought I was entitled, but the truth is I am not, wouldnt I be pissed if he let himself go like I had, wouldnt I be just slightly embarressed to go out in public with him as i am sure he has been with me lately. Now back up here people before you judge my hubby he is NOT about looks, he really does love me for me, but I know that through his eyes I look like Jennifer Anistan ( wih the voice of Adele). Again like most husbands do they put their wives, lovers and partners on a pedestal of perfection. Not in a bad way but in a way that makes us feel so special it doesnt matter if we have adult acne (GUILTY) or a few extra pounds or even a few grey hairs. They dont see it, but in my mind on that night in our kitchen I felt like my pedestal had become a step stool and his rose coloured glassess had been tainted of me. I know that his simple observation was from a health stand point and not from a negative place but it didnt make it any easier to hear.
Since that night I have enjoyed chips, pop and a little Thai take out. I am human and damnit if I want something I WILL have it.. in moderation, which is something I have struggled with for my entire life. I need to be healthy for me but I still wanna be "beautiful" inside and out for him
9/8/2012 7:49:00 PM
i want to start this entry by sending a big THANK YOU to all of those amazing friends and family who have supported me through this journey over the last few months. It truly means a lot to me to have the support from you, it helps me put what I am doing into perspective. What started out as a gateway to ramble on has truly turned into a passion for me. So I say Thanks and much love to all.
Ok so I know thats its been awhile since my last entry and I have to say its not due to lazyness or summer scheduel, I have really struggled with a topic to rant about. I know hard to belive I have NOTHING to talk about LOL for those who know me know thats really hard to believe !! But I have looked at the entries prior to this and realized I have talked about some pretty intense stuff. I guess in away I haven't wanted to let "my fans" down LOL
So here goes, this is a really personal entry, I have decided to go big or go home here people so grab your wine and popcorn and get comfortable cause I am about to invite you into a very real, personal and intimite moment of my life.
I realized a few weeks ago that there is only 2, yep 2 mirrors in my house and neither one of those suckers shows off ANYTHING from the tits down !! Some may say "strategic" others may call me short, either way I have not seen my Phat ass from tip to toes in a long time. I guess thats why when I do it takes me a moment to realize thats ME staring back in utter shock. Its almost like a train wreck Cant watch, must look away but totally fixated on what is right infront of me !! After holding back lunch from escaping out my mouth I take a quick assesment of what I look like, a mental picture if you will. Then I step aside and evaluate myself mentally somewhere quiet and preferably dark LOL
First of all most of the time I love what I have on BUT seeing it full length makes me realize I so should have gone shopping with Honest Ed and not my husband who tells me I look good in anything. I really need to STOP buying printed shirts, and for the record if by some chance a plus size person is reading this YOU too should STOP buying prints because if we all stop buying them the fashion world will be forced to STOP producing them !!
Secondly I am at a point in my life where my hair do is really a hair DONT. Its that in between stage of growning out and I have fallen victim to the Ponytail. Still wondering WHY did I grow out this cut, OH ya in the summer I sweat like Richard Simmons on a 30 minute work out and I think my face is far to full to pull off a short do !!
Third of all when the hell did my "spare tire" become a full on floatation device ?! In my defence getting dressed I cant see past the big boobies I enherited from my mommas side of the family !!
After making these simple discoveries I go into "anerexia" mode. No matter what time of day it is suddenly I am mentally FULL for the day and can't eat .... Oh crap who are we kidding I am in the car so fast I leave skid marks behind, through the drive thru OR in the chips and pop isle of the grocery store prepping to eat myslef into an oblivion !! In that moment I don't even take a moment to justify or talk myself out of what I am about to do, I just get comfy infront of the T.V and pop open the chips and suck back the Coke a Cola like its dexatrim and cod liver oil !!
After I have eaten the memory in the mirror away I then get a huge wave of anxiety over me like a freakin Sunaumi of guilt and utter disapointment. Why the hell did I just eat an entire Cadbury Dairy Milk bar AND 1/2 a bag of Ketchup chips ?? Was that gonna make my spare tire go away, or the ugly print shirt prettier ?? Hell no it was only gonna add to the pile of depression I already have and where is that gonna get me ?? No where, but I will say it does taste a hell of a lot better then consuming a platter of veggies and dip and water and lemon slices, which we all know was what I SHOULD have eaten.
So I have to say that only owning 2 , yep 2 mirrors in our house CLEARLY is not a wise dicision because you cant hide what everyone else see's and to see it is to own it and damn it I need to OWN it. I will NEVER be a size 10 but what I need to do is start working towards a health/HAPPY size 16.
I want to be clear that by no means do I write so I can have you emotionally lift me up , no no I write so I can hold myself accountable at some point in my life, there will be something out there that I can look back on and say yep its true, I was (or may still be) addicted to food and for what ever the reason have not chosen to make any changes.
I want to ask you, put aside Diabetes,high blood pressure and Cancer .... What is so wrong with being Phat? Is it really that bad? I have a wonderful/loving husband who thinks I am beautiful & sexy, I have a son who loves me for me, I have a great job, a beautiful home and friends and family I can rely on. So again I ask you What is wrong with being Phat ?
Maybe I will find an answer the helps me see the light and kick starts my journey to a healthier lifestyle. I will say this, I may be tough on the outside, talk a big talk but on the inside I am just a Phat girl dying to be skinny
8/19/2012 8:18:36 PM
I am not the sort of person who usually takes notice of people when I am at a resturant... Until recently. A few weeks ago my hubby and I had the chance to sneek out for a child-free lunch at a local restaurant downtown. It was a beautiful day so we decided to sit outside on the patio. WELLLLL I had the moment of sheer anxiety when I realized the outdoor patio seating was PLASTIC , yep Plastic !! BUT I eased my way into a chair that suprisingly felt sturdy and comfortable.
Just after our super perky, super skinny waitress took our drink orders a middle aged couple made there way to the table behind us. I took a moment to notice that she was eyeing up the space between our seating and her's ... I also noticed she jestured to her spouse that she would sit closes to us as she was much "smaller" then us.
At that very moment I realized I didn't like this women, she suddenly took on an unspoken role as a bitch. She exude this way about her that she was clearly better then the rest of us and clearly doing US a favour by gracing us with her presence. Well let me tell you she did me NO favours, only the opposite. As I sat there sipping my coke a cola reading the menu I could feel her bitchy eyes glaring at me which I could only assum where checking out my "fatness" I'm sure she thought she was being discret about it but she wasn't fooling me !!
I suddenly felt like the grade 5 girl standing against the gym wall at her first school dance dying for a boy, any boy to ask her to dance to Led zepplin"s "Stairway to Heaven" .... I felt like I was sinking in my chair because I had lost all ability to be confident, why I don't know but looking back now I am pissed. Who is she to give me the Phatty-evils, how dare she take a simple child free lunch of mine and turn it into a moment of bitch-bullying. As our meal arrived I turned my focus on the delicious plate of bruschetta bread and warm goats cheese. Now if I may for a moment describe to you the amazing crunchy warm toasted baguette, a bowl of chunky home made bruschette with loads of garlic, plum tomatoes and diced red onions... then there is the bowl of smooth rich local goats cheese...An appitizer that eats like a meal.
After finishing most of the bruschetta I simply took the spoon from the tomato mix and after placing the last of it onto some bread I ate the remaing mixutre from the spoon... No big deal right, its not like I deep throated the bloody spoon OR took my index finger and wiped the bowl clean, NO NO I simply opened my mouth and inserted spoon.
Well apparently miss Bitchy-Bitch was absolutly mortified, she dropped her jawed and gasped rather loudly, then proceeded to turn to her spouse and say "Why , why would she do that?" as if I had just ate dog shit off the road or something. I am sorry lady can't a perfectly happy plus size 35 year old women not enjoy the meal I friggin paid for !?!?! Even writting this now burns my britches, really REALLY people was I so wrong, so unethical to have simplyl licked a flippin spoon full of tomatoes ?? Or was it because i didnt look like the size of a fetticine noodle hold the alfredo sauce please... I wonder truly if it was my size in fact that made that bitch gasp and not the act itself, like if its so discusting to watch a plus size person eat at a resturant then BITCH stay home and heat up your Lean Cusine if you please. Do ME the favour of letting me enjoy a meal and not have to worry about someone taking offense of my size and what I choose to put in my body !! If you don't like it look away, cause I don't wear a sign on me that says "PHAT Girl about to Devour"
So I don't really have a morale to this story I simply just wanted to vent, vent to those who may or may not pass judgment on a plus size person who enjoys a resturant meal from time to time
7/29/2012 6:44:57 PM
Ok so over the course of this past week end my PHAT-NESS took a front row seat. And in typical meagan fashion I laughed it off and made light of a very sad situation.
For those of you that don't know I have a wonderful energectic sweet 2 1/2 year boy that is the reason I get out of bed each day <3
We were lucky to spend this past saturday with some really exceptional people, who have even more exceptional children. even though it took me and my better half almost 4 years to produce our awsome son, there is only 2-4 years in age difference from our friends kiddies.
So late saturday afternoon we pack up the car and head West to a little community called St Marys, and they were having their annual summer fair down by the flats. All day I had been telling my little guy how awsome the day was gonna be, we were gonna go on rides, play games and get to hang with some great peeps. He was over the moon with excitment to go to the fair and experience all this awsomeness mommy was telling him about. So we get there and park the car and make out way to the 10 rides lined up along the grass by the creek. Looking down at him I swear his eyes lit up like the christmas tree at rockafeller center. Which gave me butterflies in my stomach, how great was this gonna be, taking him on all the cool rides that I loved as a kid, having that experience of exiluration and youthfulness.
As we approched the mid way I felt this sort of lump in my throat, as I later realized it was reality kicking me in the gut. It was not gitters of heights or spinning strawberries, no no it was the reality of my PHAT ass and gut and the actuall teenie tiny size of the kiddie rides Cambpell amusment"s offers. There was NO WAY IN HELL my plus size booty was getting any where near a kiddie ride.
As my sadness turned into disapointment I turned to my sweet friend L who loves a good ride and played off that I hated heights and she had already took her son up the slides once would she be willing to take my extremly excited 2 1/2 yr old down at least 1 x. Because she is awsome, amazing and totally great hearted she was totally down to the idea. As I took a sigh of relief that my son wasnt gonna miss out on his FIRST fair experience cause his momma was a PHAT -ASS I was also crushed that my wonderful BF was having that first time experience with him not me, something I will NEVER get back.
I am not gonna lie here people it hurt, it hurt bad, to know that I was missing something so awsome with the single most important person in my life and it was my fault was truly devestating. Now I am not sharing this moment with you so you will feel sorry for me cause really that ship has sailed LOL I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me because I have lost sight of the importance of health. I don't need anyone to feel bad for me cause I let my cravings repeatedly get the best of me. No the truth is saturday needed to hurt bad so that in the future .. the hopfully near future I can look back on that day and realize I have choices to make and if I don't make the right ones I will be left on the sidelines while someone else gets to show my son a good time and make awsome memories with him !!
7/22/2012 5:14:37 PM
Ok SO when you are a bigger person you dont have the luxury of plopping your ass down where ever you want, lets face it these days everyone shops at IKEA and well those bloody Swedish folk are MAYBE a buck 25 soaking wet ....
We have to take a moment to scan the room, not long enough so people can figure out what your doing and make a sad attempt to guide you to a table of 4 instead of a booth for 2 1/2 that the waitress is already making her way to. We are always on guard of the make and material of every piece of furniture in the room. I say this because in my 35 years of being Phat, I have broken a few chairs in my day, thats right BROKE, sat on fell off broke unfixable broke. SO I tell you being a social butterfly it can be exhausting going somewhere new and not having a chance to relax and enjoy when all I am doing is looking for a sturdy, solid couch to rest my heavy load on ;)
I am ready to share a moment in time with you fellow readers.. please take second to finish drinking and eating, I would not want to be held responsible for any chocking episodes !! I want to take you back a few years, 8 years to be exact. Funny how 8 years ago I thought I was massive in size and today I would sell my kidneys to have that waist line again LOL
It was New years eve and my hubby and I were happily engaged. We were off to friends for a house party where 20 of our closes friends were celebrating xmas, new years and more engagments. When we arrived we made our cocktails and headed down stairs to the rec room to do some serious socializing and of course drinking and what comes naturally with drinks BUT appitizers ;) I have to add that when I said YES YES YES to the porposal I swore on my life I was not going to turn into THAT bride that was obssessed with "getting skinny" for my wedding day SO really the appatizers were a major plus at the nights event.
Once we headed downstairs there were small groups scattered all over, and of course I made note of the "food table" at the end of the room right away !! There was a couch .. taken.. 2 reclyner chairs..taken.. and 4 retro 70's plastic/metal/patted seat dinner chairs placed through out the the room. After talked to a few gals and sharing my proposal story with them I made my way over to the food table, my old faithful friend who wouldn;t let me down or tell me NO NO NO. As I eyed up the only avalible seating ironically beside the appatizers I noted that the frame on the chair looked sturdy, or so I thought. As I set my drink down I procceeded to place my butt on the padded seat and started to swivel the chair towards the goodies at the food table.
Thats when It happened, I was in mid reach for a greasy spring roll when BAM CRASH BOOM ( at least thats how it sounded in my head) I was face down on some cheap damp burber carpet. EVERYONE stopped and the bloody room was SO quiet I was convinced my girlfriend had pet crickets in the basement. As I not so discreatly got up, I looked around the room and really I have to say even though these people were friends, no one knew what to do or say, SO I did what I do best, I made a total joke out of the situation, mumbled something about if you can't laugh WITH the phat girl then you shouldn't laugh at all bullshit and made my way upstairs to the kitchen.
NOW I know that if anyone else in that room had did what I did there would have been tears rolling from hard core laughter, BUT cause the phat girl fell it was akward and silent which by the way made the situation that muc more embarressing. At the time I was secretly mortified, as I am sure most people would be, but looking back on the last 8 years that was not the first chair I broke and it probably wont be the last. So I ask all you skinny to mid size folks out there, the next time you are at a social function and there happens to be a plus size person and an uncomfortable looking chair please for the love of god take the tiny chair and spare the phat girl any stress
7/14/2012 10:51:28 PM
Its funny you know, I never thought I would run out of things to motivate me !!! Guess maybe I have ;(
I believe all if us have highs and lows in our lives where something becomes a strong motivation to surpass the moment !! If I take a moment and look back at the last 15 years of my life there were some very LOW low's that I had motivation to get past. But what I am struggling with in my adult life is motivation. I can whole heartedly say I am 35-ish and I am in a low searching for something to motivate me past it. Of course you would think of the obvious my wonderful, sweet adorable 2 year old who tells me I am beautiful almost daily when I cant even say it to myself. Why is he not enough to get me to change my awful eating ways and stop celebrating my pity parties ??
When I graduated from high school my motivation to make healthy food choices was college boys, I know it was the obviouse choice but again I was the cute, funny chubby girl in high school right. Well I wanted to shed that persona and be the bubbly funny take on a date girl in college !! For the most part I was still the chubby funny girl but I DID get a chance to sow a FEW wild oats along the way to 21.
When I came home from college I was hit hard with a health issue no 21 year old should have to face ... CANCER ... I shut down and turned to my parents for EVERYTHING and Mac's milk for my daily fix of salty & sweet ... I didn't have a healthy food choice motivation then just a simple beat this shit and move on attitude. And here I write 12 years later Cancer free and I thank god and my family and friends that helped me through that tough time.
Once I lost a whopping 85 lbs from Chemo I felt like Cindy Crawford on the cover of Maxum ... Let me be clear here people, chemo is no joke OR diet remedy but if I am being perfectly honest here, I did get something positive from that bloody disease and it was weight loss without trying LOL ....
As I reached my mid 20's I realized all my friends were in serious physical relationships and I sadly was the 3rd wheel to most functions. If you have ever been a 3rd wheel to anything you know that is motivation in itself to get your shit together and find that significant other ..And I did, thanks solely to my BFF who took me out on the town in Mississuaga, where I felt like a million dollars with a red blouse on ! Fast forward 10 years and I am married to an awsome guy who loves me, not my growing waist line <3
I remember right after we got married we talked about starting a family, which by the way I had to talk my husband into. We decided to love life as newlyweds for 12 months then try to make a baby. I couldn't wait to get off the pill and start trying all the time.... As the months passed and the monthly reminders arrived my frustration turned to depression. If you have read any of my previouse blogs you know that I eat when I am depressed, and dammit I did just that. I realized in year 3 of trying to make a mini-Me I had gained almost 30 lbs. I decided to go see my doctor and get him to refer me to an OBGYN ...after seeing someone locally that doctor refered my husband and me to see a specialist in London.
I remember the day we had the appointment like it was yesterday. We both took the day off work, excited to speak to someone who was finally gonna tell us what we wanted to hear, WE CAN HAVE A BABY ... We met with a wonderful women who sat us both down and proceeded to scare the living day lights out of me. She took out her chart and started sharing blood work results, she explained, and I will tell you in terms you can understand , you are too fat to get pregnant ! I was mortified, did she just tell me that my pleasently plump physic was stopping us from having the 1 thing I wanted more then Chocolate ?! Apparently, and from that moment on I was puddy in her hands. She told me that I needed to lose at least 20 lbs to consider getting pregnant and that realisticly 50 lbs would be better. I swear to you on a stack of Doritos that all I could think about was fruit, fish and weight watchers as we left the office that day.
Motivation is a wonderful, evil, tricky thing isn't it.. in the months to follow I had shed almost 30 pounds, changed my eating habits and even excercised a little... Fast forward to today, my 2 year old is sound asleep upstairs and I couldn't be more thankful for him. So I ask myself, what the hell do I need to motivate m self down to a healthy comfortable weight ?? Some close to me will remind me that life is short and as we get older it is far more difficult to lose weight, but for some reason I am too lazy to allow myself the opportuinity to change, to move more, eat better and stop self sabatoging my life.
I feel like in this short 35-ish years as ME I am somehow OK with plus size me, that really I could never be physically half of who I am. Why do I need to be ? I have a wonderful husband who loves me .. and sometimes enables me.. I have a beautiful little boy who makes my world go round and a family who has to love me ;) I guess for me it comes down to what I need and as I see it I have all I need right now.
Who knows what next year or the year after holds for me but for right now I can only be happy with what I have and what I have LOVES me for ME <3
7/8/2012 9:44:27 PM
I have a secret, a dirty little secret that I am ready to share. Something I am not proud of but I know I am not alone with .. Here it goes.. are you ready ...I EAT IN HIDING ... thats right I eat by myself when I think no one is watching so I don't have to explain myself for consuming rather large amounts of strickly UNHEALTHY shit.
At first I didn't think I had a problem, I would go grocery shopping and pop in the cart a 6 pack of Zehrs cupcakes, they are DELICIOUS by the way, get home put everything away and then sit down with a cold glass of milk and 2 cupcakes. After licing the icing off the bloody plate I would get up and HIDE the rest of the package in hopes that my husband would not see them for obvious reason.
The whole evening all I could focus on was those moist, soft creamy cupcakes hidden behind the pancake batter in the back of the baking cupboard WAITING for me to devour them ONE by ONE. I would swear it took my husband HOURS to go to bed, I could think of nothing but those dame cupcakes and how suddenly I was an addict dying to get my next fix. Dreaming about how sweet and creamy the icing was and how moist and plump the actual cupcake was. I could close my eyes and feel the icing on my lips and the cupcake in my mouth throwing a friggin party of perfection on my tongue ... I know its hard to believe I am only describing the taste of a cupcake but really people if you love sweets the way I love sweets the last sentence you read was TOTALLY justified ;)
After the house was quiet I would pour yet another glass of ice cold milk, slowly push the pancake batter a side and slide those tiny peices of heaven out of the cupboard and on to a plate .. crap who am I kidding sometimes they never felt the touch of dinnerware ... straight to the couch I went and every so slowly I would peel back the paper and take a humongous bite of my addiction. Before I knew it i was on to cupcake number 3 and then I would be face to face with the lonely last cupcake pondering the thought "Why not, really whats one more" .. And boom it was peeled and popped before I could talk myself out of it.
You may not have a cupcake weakness as I do but I am sure that somewhere in this Blog of confession you are secretly dreaming of that pie your aunt makes OR the amazing muffins the coffee shop down the street bakes, people we all have a secret and mine sadly is FOOD.
I love that I can be honest about what i thrown down my gob and know that someone somewhere reading this is downing a tub of Ben & Jerrys for whatever their reason is .
So the next time you have a cupcake please please think of me ;)
6/28/2012 8:36:59 PM
Just a quick rant tonight folks ... I am in need of a verbal spewing at the food universe !!!
I have realized that STRESS causes stress ... silly I know but WOW I am one of many who are stuck in a vicious cycle of stress, eat, stress, eat ... and so on and so on !! I would DIE to be one of the lucky few and I mean few that cant eat when they are stressed and end up dropping 2 bloody dress sizes ..Who the hell does that actually happen to ?! Tori friggin Spelling probably !! With all the stress I have, create or avoid I would seriously be a friggin size 9 .... But no no no the gene gods knocked me over the head with the worlds slowest metabalisum and biggest sweet tooth since Adam ate the dame apple !!
Its not enought that I am an emotional eater but I have to be stressed out 9 months of the year LOL I know everyone has stress ... but not everyone is as lucky as I am to have won the stressed for Life lottery and emotional junk food addict award !! Really people Dr Oz and Dr Phil need to get there shit together cause all the green juice and therapy in the world could not cure my addiction for sweets and take out ;)
Ok so this entry really doesnt have much meaning tonight I truly just needed to through it out there for the WIDE WEB to hear that I HATE STRESS ..and as long as McDonalds has 24 hour drive thru and $1 drinks this summer I am Screwed !!
6/24/2012 8:01:54 PM
Ok this is about to get real people .... I know I have talked in the past about being healthy or trying to get healthy but today I wanna share my deep dark inner love of JUNK FOOD
I would like to go on recored for admitting to eating thee best chocolate vanilla cheese cake while I write this entry !! Thats my inspiration for tonights rant LOL
The last few weeks I have noticed things in the grocery store that have never really caught my eye before ... For example Lays potato Chips have introduced Baked Lays, now I know what your saying " Silly Meagan they have been on the shelf for months if not years " well people I am talking NEW and Favorite chip flavours like Kecthup, Creamy Dill * my personal favorite* and I think BBQ but shit I cant get past the creammy Dill LOL .. SO whats the first thing I tell myself before tossing a bag in the cart "They are baked NOT fried so they are HEALTHY" ..Who the hell I am kidding, just because they are baked it does not give me permission to consume the ENTIRE bag, you read it correctly I said entire bag. Holy Cow they were awsome and I let myself believe that the entire bag couldnt really be all that bad for me right !? Bull SH*t, really I should have just went to McDonalds and scarfed down a bloody Big Mac combo with a coke...
I don't know about you but I have this horrible habit of justifying every crappy food choice, and latley its been by not looking in the mirror !! I figure that Penningtons still makes clothes in my size I must not be THAT Fat ... Well as long as I have a love hate relationship with the full length mirror I will probably contiune to kid myself.
I have this amazing friend in my life and she has been the one person I have taken total honesty from and not went running from the truth, and latly I know she has been biting her tongue about my lifestyle and the choices I am making... She knows what shit I deal with day in and day out and for that I love her for letting me spiral but not to far out of control. Now I am NOT trying to put any pressure on her or let you think in some sick way I need her to blame for not slapping me senseless recently cause I am a big girl and big girls have no one but themselves to blam for our ever growing issue ! I am owning my shit people..
What I am saying is GOD help me I love food, all food ... chocolate, chips, cake, cupcakes, pasta, PIZZA ... really I could fill the next 6 paragraphes with all the food I love to induldge in, but I won't :)
I know some of you are probably thinking I am crazy for airing my insane obssesion for food out to dry in the Wonderful World of Web but I have to say that it does make me feel better to know that I pass some of you in the mall or at the grocery store and we stop ,chat and share a familure tidbit about the almight love of food. I am human and I make mistakes, I recognize some sooner then later and work on rectifying them. Heres hoping companys like Lays potato Chips will create a delicous Kale flavoured chip that makes me wanna devour the entire bag ... but until then I will try my best to stay clear of the "Snack" aisle at the grocery store.
Happy munching my friends
6/6/2012 12:02:10 PM
Oh the curse of the late night snacking .... My nemises of all things BAD
For those of you lucky enough to work a monday to friday day job you may not have to suffer with late night eating as those of us suckers working shift work !! This is not to say you don't induldge in a little extra curicular eating once the kiddies are in bed BUT for the shift workers reading this you know the pit falls I speak of ...
I currently work 2-10 OR 3-11 monday thru friday .....and I honestly think my stomach is on crazy sun/moon scheduel because from the time I get up til I go to work most days I can survive off of coffee and toast with peanut butter. Then maybe MAYBE around noon when I am slopping something so unhealthy together for my 2 year old I will cut up some slabs of cheese and dig out a box of crackers and possibly a pickle or 2 cause they use to be a cucumber once and THATS healthy right !?
Once I get to work my stomach is growling worse then an scene from Twilight Saga:New Moon and I am frantically reaching for a few cookies to hold me off til dinner. During the week I have not much say in the menu choice as I work with 3 men who are very particular about there meals, and so they should !! However that leaves me less then satisfied once the clock strikes 10 PM ...
Which takes me to home time.. snack time.. self induldge in all that is WRONG time !! I find myself head first into the fridge only to come out with more cheese, butter and quite possibly cooked bacon.. all the fixing for a late night heart attack .. I mean grilled cheese. Cause thats not gonna add up to ANY calories once I wolf it back. Sitting on the couch 30 minutes later I have that sense of buyers remorse, you know what I am talking about. After you make a purchase you know you shouldn't have but you talked yourself into anyway, you get that heavy feeling in the bottom of your stomach and a slight flush to the cheeks.. You realise you are sweating a little more then usual and the pain in your head is actualy the feeling of guilt creeping up, reminding you in an unpleasent way that you are an @ss for doing what you did.. It may have tasted like Prime Rib at the Keg but after the plate is cleaned off it feels more like a ton of unneccesary calories consumed in the heat of the moment !!
I truly believe if I was one of the lucky ones who worked a Fred Flinstone 9-5 job I would eat better and feel better and hell I would probably even sleep better !! Am I kidding myslelf .. PROBABLY but I guess for now I will never know, I just have to stop sticking my head in the fridge after work and go straight to bed !!
5/31/2012 9:51:10 PM
I just have to get it out .. scream it from the roof really that HOLY SH&% I am so frustrated with myself ...
I am sure that most of you can admit to having the same feelings a few times over the course of your life time !! And I know that really only I can change ME .. but just once I would love Jillian freakin Michaels to knock down my door and boot camp my ass !! I totally get why shows like "The Biggest Loser" are so successful for the 16 weeks they air on cable .. the secret to their success is not balancing a job, family, stress and friendship while making a half ass attempt to get to the gym 4 days a week .. no no its "Lets take a leave of absence from LIFE" to work out 8 hours a day and have ONLY healthy food put in front of us ... Well news flash people, this would be one hell of a skinny/healthy world if we all dropped EVERYTHING to focus on weight loss !! The sad thing is I am sure that a staggering 89% of those contestants go home with high expectations that they can juggle it all ... 6 months later they are digging out their "fat" clothes again cause LIFE caught up with them and gave them a swift reality check to the gut...
So lies my frustration, I take on way too much then complain to anyone in ear shot how " I took on too much', then I go home and sit in front of the television with my favorite go-to pick me up ( chips & dip) and wallow for an evening about how crappy I feel.. Only to go to bed and remind myself Tomorow is another day ...
Well tomorow IS another day and its time to appreciate the beautiful, wonderful amazing things in my life instead of focusing on the mistakes I may or may not have made along the way ..